Chapter Ninety-One: Revelations and Implications

Chapter Ninety-One: Revelations and Implications

I ignored the sharp intakes of breath around the table. It was impossible. Every natural sense I owned told me that much. The girl in front of me was nothing like Eliya. She didn’t have the right build. The right hair. The right eyes. Even the color of her skin was lighter than Eliya’s had been, and we’d never seen the sun long enough to get anything resembling a tan. She didn’t have Eliya’s scars. Her voice wasn’t ragged and torn from the torture she’d endured. Physically, there was nothing to even suggest a distant relation, much less that it was her that stood in front of me.

And yet...

The second I’d looked at her soul—because how could I not?—the pieces fell into place. I felt like someone had just taken a warhammer to my solar plexus. Her soul was unlike any I’d seen before. Part of it was reasonably normal. It told a tale of loneliness and determination. Of loss and even hopelessness, with emotional wounds that were very freshly healed. The other part of her soul, separated by a clean divide, told me everything I needed to know. Deep, ragged scars caused by both physical and emotional pain. It was a soul that had endured a lifetime of abuse. Of suffering. Yet, at its core, a bruised and battered flame of hope that refused to be snuffed out.

Except that clean divide was damaged. A section where it looked like a serrated blade had been dragged violently across the surface of this split soul, rending that divide and causing the two souls to bleed into one another like a popped egg yolk. The two souls swirled and mixed, violently in some places, but peacefully in others. Like they were finally beginning to settle.

And wrapped around the scarred half of the soul?

A shimmer.

A cloak meant to mimic the other half of the soul. To hide that devastated half from anyone like me who would take a look. A near-perfect copy, but there was no hiding what was underneath. A pull. A tug. Her soul gently calling to mine just as mine called in return. Not hard enough for me to detect it while it was hidden by the shimmer, but enough so that some of it bled through the mirage that hid its secret. A secret that had been staring me in the face the entire time. One so painfully obvious in hindsight that I wanted to put my head through the nearest wall for being such an idiot. For being so ridiculously in denial.

But I couldn’t jump to conclusions. If I was wrong and I acted on my theory, then I could make things exponentially worse. I had to be sure. And, luckily for me, I’d already set the pieces in motion to test the theory that had just backhanded me across the face.

First, I needed more information. I closed my eyes, centering myself. I’d survived Karn. I’d fought in a godsdamned war for fuck’s sake. I could hold it together for a little longer. I could feel her eyes on me, waiting for my reaction. I didn’t know what she expected from me, but I had a feeling this wasn’t it.

With slow, deliberate motions, I pulled out a chair and sank into it. Every eye in the room was on me, which was understandable considering a complete stranger had just planted one on me. My girls were looking at me with expressions that ranged from shock to amusement (thanks Rhallani for always being consistent). The newcomers with a level of hostility and concern that told me they cared greatly about the girl who’d just kissed me.

And Kat, who was confused as fuck.

Sitting down was good. I no longer felt like I was going to pass out. The girl looked at me, holding her breath, looking torn between breaking out into tears and grabbing me for a second round. One of her friends, a tall, wispy platinum blond with pale eyes and concern etched into her expression, grabbed her hand. “Allie?” she said softly.

Allie threaded her fingers through the blonde’s and, looking as unsteady as I felt, sank into her chair as well without taking her eyes off me. There was simultaneously too much space between us and not nearly enough. Taking a deep, wavering breath, I put my war face on.

“How?” was all I asked. The manner in which she answered would tell me a lot.

Her bottom lip trembled. “I don’t know,” she admitted. Then the words started tumbling out. She told me about the man with the crystal knife. About the episodes. About Kat’s magic sending her spiraling. She told me about her dreams, about how things started to get worse and worse until she started losing track of who she was. About Vanni, the Ashra, helping her reconcile the two warring halves. To relax them both enough that they stopped fighting one another and finally began to coexist.

By the time she finished, she sounded like she was on the verge of tears. I had to fight the impulse to wrap her in my arms, glad when the muscular woman with scarred forearms put a heavy hand on Allie’s shoulder. “I know it sounds insane and you probably don’t believe me, but—”

“I believe you,” I said softly. And I did. The way she spoke, the way she told her story, was all Eliya. I could tell exactly where she’d omitted things. I could tell when she omitted something because it embarrassed her to tell me and when she was trying to protect me from the harsher truths. I could spot her tells with ease. The honesty in her eyes was painfully familiar, and it took a second to find the air to speak.

“How much do you remember? Of Eliya’s life, I mean,” I asked.

She shrugged. “About as much as I remember of my own. Early years are pretty blurry, and I’m sure there’s plenty of space between moments not worth remembering. I remember the good, though, and I remember the bad. I remember everything important.”

“How do you remember it? Like information, or...?”

Allie shook her head, angrily wiping away some moisture that slipped free of her eye. “No. I remember it all. How I felt. What I was thinking. Every touch, smell, taste, sound. All of it. Like I lived it.”

“Everything?” I asked again.

Her eyes cut away. She knew what I was asking. “Everything but the end.”

Relief and pain fought a battle for space in my chest. On one hand, if she didn’t remember, it couldn’t hurt her. On the other, a part of me wished she did if only to get it over with. I let out a breath. “I see. I’m sorry you had to go through this. I’m glad you had friends to go through it with.”

Her brows knit together. “Zaren...”

My chest clenched. She said my name the same way Eliya used to. Resignation, but with the faintest spark of hope. The one word was filled with expectations and emotions I wasn’t ready to deal with. She reached for me with her free hand, but I stood and stepped out of her reach. Hurt flitted across her face, but it had to be this way. At least until I knew more. Until she knew more.

“You know what happened to me, don’t you?” she asked.

“I don’t know for sure, but I know someone who might.”

She stood as well. “Then let’s go see them.”

I shook my head. “No. I’ll be going alone. You and your friends are exhausted from travel.” Before she could protest, I turned my attention to Cynthia. “Officially admit Vanni to the household as soon as you can, I don’t want to bank on her getting into the city unnoticed. The sooner I can offer her my full protection, the better.” She nodded and I turned back to Allie. “Make yourselves at home. What’s mine is yours. I’ll come find you when I have more information about your situation.”

“Zaren, hang on,” Allie said, reaching for me.

My body moved on its own, stepping away from her. I tried my hardest not to make it look like a flinch, but I failed miserably. The hurt returned to her expression and it absolutely gutted me, but I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know what to say to make any of this better. If it could be made better. I needed to figure this out first, then go from there. It was the best I could do for her right now.

I turned on my heel, headed for the door, avoiding all the eyes that were on me. I’d only made it a few steps when a hand grabbed my arm. Relief slammed into my gut when I realized it was Serena, looking up at me with wide eyes. “Zaren—”

“I know you want to come with me,” I said softly, “but I need a minute alone to think.”

Her grip tightened. “But I—”

“Watch over her until I return, please? If I’m right...”

“I really think you—”

“I’ll try to be as quick as I can. Hopefully—”

“Zaren!” she hissed, snaring my attention. “Look!”

She lifted her arm and brandished her tattoo. It had changed again. In addition to the gold flower with black specks that had sprouted on the vine with the silver, black, white, and red orange flowers, there were now three more that had sprouted. The vine that trailed from the red flower with the black center that had once held four buds now sported a red flower with blue veins, a shining silver flower with a blue tint, and an earthy green flower with flares of yellow on it.

I closed my eyes as all the breath rushed out of me at once. The tattoo reacting all but confirmed it, but I still needed to confirm. I needed someone other than me to make sure I wasn’t losing my mind. That I wasn’t jumping to conclusions.

“You know, don’t you?” she breathed. “What it means?”

“I’m afraid I have a very good idea,” I admitted.

I could tell how badly she wanted to push for answers, which made me that much more grateful when she didn’t. With a wordless nod, she let me leave. Even though I wasn’t running, my journey out of the manor passed by in a blur. Before I knew it, I was outside in the night air. My feet carried me down the road to where an apparently homeless Lycanine man sat on the corner with a cup of change.

“I need to talk to Sandrel,” I told him.

He frowned at me. “I’m sorry sir, I’m afraid I don’ know no Sandrels.”

I sighed, then summoned a gold piece from my storage and flipped it into his cup. “I know you’re one of his, I need to talk to him. Now.”

He kept the ruse up for a moment longer, then shrugged. He stood, brushing himself off. “I’ll see what I can do, but he isn’t exactly the type to come running to any lord who rings a bell.”

“If he’s hesitant, remind him just how often I actually call on him,” I said dryly.

The Lycanine just pocketed the gold with a snort and sauntered off into the dark. I leaned up against the wall he’d been sitting by with my arms crossed, waiting. Thinking. Trying to wrap my head around the implications if I was right.

Barely thirty minutes had passed before I felt a presence at my back. I turned to see Sandrel giving me a hard glare from just a few feet away. “How long have you known Efel was my guy?”

I just shrugged. “I spotted him day one. I figured you left him out here in case I needed to get in touch with you.”

He scoffed. “Asshole. What is it?”

“You track her down yet?”

Sandrel narrowed his eyes. “That’s the big emergency? This couldn’t have waited ‘till tomorrow?”

This time it was my turn to fix him with a glare. One that made him flinch. “Hells, It’s been a while since I’ve seen that look,” he said with a grimace. “Who’re we killing?”

I scowled. “Probably nobody. I’m either mad at myself for being a dumbass or a missing goddess for pulling one over on me. Not much I can do in either instance, really. Have you found her or not?”

“Never lost track of her,” he said, pulling out a slip a paper.

I almost laughed when I read the address. It wasn’t far from where we lived at all. I arched a brow. “You’ve been watching her?”

He held his hands up. “Hey, don’t look at me like that. You know what she is. Figured if she ever stepped in it I could lend a hand. Besides, I figured if you ever came back she might be one of your stops.”

I inclined my head, storing the paper in my shadows. “Thanks, Sandrel. I owe you one.”

“Like fuck you do,” he said, thumbing his nose, “or did you forget we would’ve lost that day if you didn’t take Grimsby’s head? We all owe you far too much for me to charge you for this. Just let me know if you plan on burning down any sectors so I can get my people out.”

“I’ll think about it.” I sighed. “You ever feel like life is just the gods yanking our chains from one bullshit plot to the next?”

“Oh, most definitely my dark and broody friend.” He grinned. “That’s why it’s our solemn duty to live for the moments where we can yank back.”

“Don’t I know it.”

We said our brief goodbyes and I wandered off into the city. It was dark, and in an attempt to distract myself I thought about what Karina had said about lighting the streets with one of Elisa’s inventions. That distraction only lasted a few blocks though, and by the time the quaint little house crammed in one of the nicer areas of the lower quarter came into view, I was back to thinking myself into an early grave.

“There are two basic types of reincarnation,” Esadora said softly. “One which preserves the memory of your past life, which is incredibly rare and typically only ever seen in extreme situations when a god is bestowing a great boon on a follower who gave their life for their deity. The other is more common. Reborn without the memories of your past life. Yours is both, and it’s neither. You were reborn with your memories, but they were suppressed. Whether the goddess intended to restore them or not I can’t say, but it seems that whatever damage was caused to your soul ripped open your past self and allowed it to bleed in your current self.”

Allie couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “Then—then I’m not just seeing Eliya’s memories, I’m—”

“Yes,” Esadora said, squeezing Allie’s hand gently. “I’ve come across reincarnated souls twice before, and I can say with a reasonable certainty that your soul is reincarnated. I see over three decades’ worth of marks, good and bad, between both halves. Something only possible if your soul is older than your body. And there’s more.”

“More?” Zaren asked, finally turning towards her. The pain in his expression ripped Allie apart.

Esadora nodded. “It seems your goddess made an addition. She tethered their souls to you. It’s little more than a slight tug, more like a magnet than any true bond, but if I’m right then it would slowly pull them into your orbit. Sooner or later, those she marked in this way will eventually cross your path. Fate will demand it. I believe that is the oddity you’re seeing. That pull bleeds through the magic hiding the original soul, altering its appearance enough for you to notice it.”

He laughed dryly, running a hand through his hair. “Un-fucking-believable. I should have known she’d pull something like this.”

Serena finally stood, going to him and putting her hand on his arm like Allie desperately wanted to. “You say that like it’s a bad thing,” she said softly.

He relaxed at her touch, but he was still clearly agitated. “I don’t know what it is yet. I do know I hate being manipulated.”

“How are you being manipulated?” Therese asked, an edge to her tone. No doubt she felt how tense Allie was. After all, she was the one who just found out she was the reincarnation of the tortured, abused girl that had once loved Zaren.

He let out a breath. “Maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m overreacting. But from what it sounds like, she brought back all the people I already lost once and tethered them to me right before sending me into what is very likely to turn out to be a war. Maybe even one that makes the war against Grimsbane look like a fucking border skirmish. Holding the souls over my head would be one way to ensure my loyalty, but bringing them back and putting them in the line of fire? That’s one way to make damn sure I do whatever it is she wants from me.”

Allie stood, her legs much steadier than they had any right to be. Zaren tensed when she got close, but he didn’t flinch away this time. “Can we talk? Please?”

After a brief hesitation, he nodded. They stepped away so they wouldn’t be overheard, though Serena accompanied them. “Serena is Allura’s priestess,” he explained. “For reasons I can go into later, I’m pretty sure she’s supposed to be integral to the whole reincarnation thing. Is it alright if she stays?”

It was the most he’d said directly to her in one go, so she nodded. “That’s fine.”

He spoke before she could. “I’m sorry. I know this must be a lot. I can’t even imagine...” He shook his head. “I know I’m probably not handling this well.”

“A revelation like this? I can hardly blame you,” Allie said with a smile. “So, what’s next? Now that I’m here, what do we do?” How do we handle the fact that we’d been so close in another life?

“Honestly? I have no fucking clue. I’m already dealing with enough shit right now, and this is going to make everything more complicated.”

Her jaw clenched and she looked away. A complication. Was that how he saw her? “I’m sorry,” she said.

“No, that’s not—” He reached for her, but stopped himself before he could make contact. “Look, finding out that the people I cared about have already been reincarnated is a massive complication, but it’s one that just made its way to the top of my list. It changes...well, it changes a lot of things. I need to think. To figure shit out. And I need to make sure our enemies don’t get the upper hand on us while I do.”

“So let us help,” Allie said, crossing her arms. Eliya wanted to smack some sense into him, and Allie wasn’t too against the idea. “We’re hardly slouches. Therese is a B rank adventurer, and Nora and Rose can hold their own in a fight. And I’ve been training with a sword since I was fourteen, not to mention everything I know because of Eliya.”

He flinched again at the sound of the name, rubbing his palm with his thumb. “I know. I can tell just by looking at you all that you’re more than competent. I just...”

“You just what?” She took a step closer, and a part of her rejoiced when he didn’t move away. “What is it, Zaren? What do you know that I don’t? I’ve spent the better part of a month trying to reconcile never seeing you again, and now that I’ve found you it’s like you don’t even want me here.”

He couldn’t hold her gaze. “That isn’t true.”

Allie snorted. “Yeah, that was convincing.”

His eyes cut to hers, and for a second she could see his spark. His fire. But it was gone just as fast, replaced by the same cocktail of emotions as before. Guilt the predominant one. What had happened to make him like this? He’d never once looked at her like he was looking at her now.

“What’s the last thing you remember as Eliya?” he asked suddenly.

She frowned. “The night before the final test. You didn’t want me to say how much I loved you while we were collared. Guess what, Zaren?” She tapped two fingers to her bare throat. “No collars here.”

He sighed. “It’s not that simple El—er, what should I call you?”

She opened her mouth to yell at him, but came up short. It was a fair question, and one she realized she didn’t have an immediate answer to. But it didn’t take her long to make a choice. “Allie. Eliya is who I had to be, but Allie is who I wanted to be.”

His gaze softened somewhat and he nodded. “Allie, then.” He sighed. “Listen, as far as I’m concerned, what’s mine is yours. If you want, we can get you and your group rooms in the manor. Fuck knows we’ve got the space. And once I’ve had a minute to sort through all the shit going on up here,” he tapped his temple, “then we can talk more, but...”

“But what?” she demanded, tears pricking the backs of her eyes. There was something holding him back, and she could tell by his expression he wasn’t planning to fill her in on what or why.

“Until you know everything—until you remember that last day—I think it’s for the best we remain allies at best.” Allie did her best to ignore the feeling of her heart shattering in her chest. Zaren continued on as if her world weren’t falling out from under her. “I’ll do everything I can to help you, but until you know everything that’s all I can offer.”

Allie blinked back the angry tears that threatened to fall. She would not cry. Not here. Not in front of him. Not because of him. “And if it’s not all I have to offer?”

He took another step away. “I’m sorry. I really am. Maybe after I’ve thought things through a little more it'll be different.” His tone suggested he didn’t think that very likely. “You can trust Serena. All of them, really, but I can honestly say I wouldn’t have made it this far without her.”

He closed his eyes and she felt another brush against what must have been her soul. For a brief moment, she felt him. She felt the echoes of his pain. Of the loss and suffering that still haunted him, even if his wounds had finally begun to heal. She could sense the weight he’d carried for so long, as well as the weight he carried now. It took her breath away.

Then she received a notification.

[Accept Soul Link: yes/no]

She couldn’t accept it fast enough.

A gasp slipped out of her as warmth flooded her chest. Like a balm spread over the pain Esadora had caused. Everything suddenly felt lighter. She felt at peace for the first time in a long, long time. She felt whole. A tear did fall this time, but it wasn’t one born from sadness or anger. She felt him, too. Uncertainty. Longing. Grief. And still that heavy, choking guilt. He cared for her just as much as she cared for him, but the guilt was like a weight around his neck. Holding him back. Driving a wedge between them that she hadn’t understood the depths of until now.

Her body thrummed with the magic of their newfound connection even as he winced slightly. She felt a pinprick of his pain, but she also knew he was fine with it. That in his mind, in spite of whatever guilt he felt, that pain was well worth the connection they now shared. Even if she one day hated him for it.

Hated him?

She opened her mouth to protest. To insist that it was Karn’s fault she died, not his, but the words wouldn’t come out. She couldn’t say that for sure, could she? Not when Eliya’s final day remained a mystery. What if there was good reason for his guilt? What if he was completely validated in holding himself back? If he just accepted her with open arms and then it turned out he’d betrayed her, she might never have forgiven him.

As the Link settled and her awareness of him faded to a background hum, she dried her cheeks. “Fine. Maybe with this Link and Esadora’s help, I’ll remember sooner than later.” Even without the Link she could tell he was torn on if he wanted that to happen or not. “But Zaren, I’m not sure I can handle living under your roof if you’re just going to avoid me at every turn.”

He inclined his head with a sad smile. “And I’m not sure I could handle being just friends with you, but we’ll have to see what tomorrow brings, won’t we?”

Even if the emotion behind it wasn’t the one she wanted, his smile still made her heart skip a beat. “I guess so.”

Turning towards Serena, he opened his mouth to say something. She just shook her head and placed her hand on his chest. “Go. We both know there’s somewhere you need to be right now. I’ll tell the others.”

He deflated, then pressed a kiss to her forehead. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” She caressed his face with the light touch of a lover. “I’m perfectly capable of handling things until you return.”

“I love you,” he whispered.

She returned the words, and Allie’s gut clenched. Zaren took a step towards the door, then paused. He looked at her over his shoulder, and for the second time that night she saw a glimpse of his fire. “I loved you. Never doubt that. From when you put me back together after my trials to the day you took your last breath and beyond, I loved you. I only hope we can find our way back to that someday.”

Emotion welled up in her throat. She hadn’t realized how badly she needed to hear those words until he spoke them. How badly Eliya needed that reassurance. “Me too.”

He nodded once, then he was gone. Allie stared at the door he’d left through until the tall auburn haired girl with the turquoise eyes walked up. Tiana, she was pretty sure. “He’s gone to Stella’s, hasn’t he?”

Serena just nodded, her lips pinched. Allie couldn’t help herself. “Stella?”

Serena sighed. “If he and Esadora are right, then you’re not the only reincarnated we’ve found. You’re just the only one who’s recovered her memories. And not all the ones we’ve found are safe under our roof.”

Allie blanched. “No shit? Who else?”

“Most of us,” Tiana said, her voice grim, “which is going to do a number on his head right now.” She hugged herself, rubbing her biceps. “Fuck, you think he already knows who’s who?”

“There’s no telling,” Serena said softly. “But I’m sure he has some idea.”

“Great,” Tiana grumbled. “Rhallani already took off and Jack started smoking, so she’s retreated to her safe room. The twins are asleep, so we’ll have to bring them up to speed later.” She shook her head. “We know you’re safe, then,” she said, nodding towards Serena, “and Safina and Noelle too. Thank fuck for that. If Allura had let two of his reincarnated friends get enslaved, he’d fucking kill her.”

“Safe?” Allie asked, obviously several pages behind.

Serena just nodded. “He was already worried the shimmers—the marks he’s noticed on some of the souls in his household—were giving him an unfair advantage romantically speaking. I’m sure he’ll be hesitant at best around those we suspect to be reincarnated.”

Allie looked at her friends, who were locked in a hectic, hushed conversation while throwing glances her way. “Now I really don’t know what to do.”

Serena slipped her hand in Allie’s. “Whatever you do, you’ve got us now. It’s clear Zaren cares for you, which means we care for you.”

Tiana put on a brave smile. “Yeah, don’t you worry one bit. Rhallani will be playing wingman by the end of the week.” Then her smile faded. “Fuck, that means Karina and Jayme...”

“Yeah,” Serena agreed, “which begs the question...”

“Do we tell them?” Tiana finished.

Allie just shook her head, feeling lost. “This is not how I saw today going.”

Tiana laughed, then threw her arm over Allie’s shoulder and pulled her close. “Pretty sure none of us expected to have the rug yanked out from beneath our feet, least of all Zaren. But you’re the one who’s been doing this on your own. Mostly,” she amended, when Allie’s eyes drifted back to her friends. “It’s a fucked situation to be sure, but maybe if we girls work together we can find a way to un-fuck it.”

Serena nodded. “I agree.” She gave Allie’s hand a squeeze. “Just tell us what you need from us.”

Allie took a breath. Whatever the case, she had more answers now than she did before. Not only that, but she was in a safe place surrounded by people who might actually be able to help her answer all the questions bouncing around in her head. But first things first...

“I want to know everything you’re willing to tell me.”