CH 7

Later, I studied diligently. It was very tiring but there was a little sweetness in the effort, like eating the candy that my mother hid when I was a child. When I performed well, I would give it a lick and take a small bite thinking, ah, today is also a good day. When I was very tired, I would chat a few words with Xu Jiamu. I would look at the sentence he sent, “I’ll wait for you in Shanghai”, and my exhaustion seemed to disappear in an instant.

Utopia: “Congratulations, you found your fairy.”

Huangfu Tie Niu: “Hahahahahaha thank you.”

Tsk, his overjoyed mood really makes me miserable, and now I don’t even have that last bit of hope in my heart, It was wiped out by Xu Jiamu himself.

Although I made up an excuse about the link, it is very clear that since that day, the distance between Xu Jiamu and I widened a lot, and we hardly chatted again.

It was really unfair, the intimacy of the relationship between two person is determined by two people but the distance between them is not. If a person intentionally alienates you, no matter what you do, you can’t bring them closer. Just like me and Xu Jiamu, I became friends with him, and I even thought of him as the confidant I found after searching for a long time, but now we have become avatars in each other’s contacts that have not been lit up for a long time. The stranger with the title of “my friend” quietly existing in my chat records, with the last message being his “Thank you”.

I live my life as usual, but I can’t let him go as I imagined. Maybe because of the natural restraint in my character, after finding out Xu Jiamu fell in love, I neither wept bitterly nor acted miserable, but during a certain evening during my self-study session, I raised my head and rubbed my neck that was sore because I had bowed my head for too long. When the dim light of the setting sun penetrated into the classroom through the window, I would still unconsciously think of Xu Jiamu.

I will also often look towards the southeast direction and think about how Xu Jiamu is doing now. He hasn’t sent me his daily routine for a long time. I don’t know if their cafeteria’s spicy hot pot is as delicious as usual or if that bathroom that couldn’t be locked has been fixed. I don’t want him to have a bad life because he didn’t choose me. That’s his freedom. I used to like that person so much, and even now, I hope from the bottom of my heart that he will have a smooth life.

Forget it, Xu Jiamu, I won’t wish you a smooth life, I’ll wish you a successful life.

Later, a boy in my class confessed to me. I was curious about how it feels; to be in love, and I wanted to know how did Xu Jiamu feel? I agreed to his confession but later felt that it was not as good as I imagined. When I told him I liked Li Bai from the novel “Changan Ke” very much, he told me about Li Bai from the game glory of the king. He would tell me about a recent basketball match, and would excitedly talk about a star he liked. I can only smile and nod at those times, because I couldn’t come up with a reply. He never tried to come into my world, and I didn’t want to go into his. Later, I was relieved to learn that he also didn’t think that seriously of our relationship. So peacefully and sloppily, my first love ended.

A person like me just can’t be satisfy with “almost good enough”. How much is almost? No matter how much almost good enough is, it’ll never be Xu Jiamu.

After the summer vacation, I started my third year of high school. The last year of high school went by unreasonably fast. Gradually, I can’t even find the time to miss Xu Jiamu. In the blink of an eye, the first half of the semester was over. I guess high school students don’t deserve to have a winter vacation. After a seven-day break for the new year we had to go back to school.

I sat alone on the balcony that year. The fireworks down there were still beautiful, there were even a few new designs this year.

But there was no one to light up the sparklers for me anymore.