CH 12.2

“How am I not at fault?”

“Kim Jiho.”

“…”

“Don’t get caught by yourself, whom you hate.”

He pulled me. Somehow, I ended up lying with my head on Yeon Woojeong’s thigh. 

Yeon Woojeong caressed my head with his unwounded hand.

“I’ve punched people before.”

“You have?”

“Mhm. I didn’t feel too guilty about it. Reason and ethics are just nonsense in the presence of people you really want to kill.”

His fingers tapped on my forehead. I could notice that my trembling had been subsiding.

“And I’m living well now. I didn’t bother to do introspection. They deserved it.”

Yeon Woojeong’s face turned cold for a moment as if he was thinking of that time. Is this a story of his youth days? Yeon Woojeong of that time whom I didn’t know but could picture.

“But you’re a good person. You stopped in the middle.” 

“I didn’t stop. You are…”

“Those who can’t stop, can’t stop no matter what. It’s commendable of you for holding back to this time.”

He rubbed my forehead. Yeon Woojeong talked as if he and I were the same, moreover, as if I was a better person, but he was wrong. He at least wouldn’t break me. He would never hurt me.

After all, doesn’t the apple never fall far from the tree? I could feel my limits. It will get worse someday. It may be hard at first, but it’ll be easy the next.

I felt the pain from the bandaged hand. Yeon Woojeong was the one who was injured, and I was the one who injured him, but I was the one in pain.

“Let’s eat. We can’t think straight if we’re hungry.”

Yeon Woojeong tried to get up, so I wrapped my arms around his waist and shoved my face to his stomach. He giggled and played with my earlobe.

“Should we just order it?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

He made a call and ordered some food. After that, he made another call. Judging that he would take the afternoon off as well, it seemed that he was calling the Prosecutors’ Office.

Dream, imagination, and reality.

I was afraid it was encroaching on my reality. Was it the reality that the man raised his hand? Or was it an imagination I wanted to make up?

“Stop thinking.”

A palm covered my eyes. I could barely catch my breath as my vision went black. 

“It’s not good to have a lot of thoughts.”

Yeon Woojeong didn’t say anything more. He only patted me over my eyes with his fingertips. I’d rather fall asleep so that I didn’t think of anything. But maybe because I had already slept a lot, my mind was clear.

Still, I tried to not think of anything as Yeon Woojeong said. The sensations and scenes that were transmitted to me as his hand gripped the blade were eerily replayed in my mind. 

I couldn’t tell how much time had passed. The doorbell rang while I was in Yeon Woojeong’s arms, trying to not think about anything.

Yeon Woojeong put my head down on the sofa, stood up and went to the front door. I sat up and tried to erase the terrible clinging sensation by squeezing and stretching my palms. He brought over the food to the kitchen.

The food ordered was galbijjim. He transferred what was in the packaging container to a plate and took out the side dishes. Then he sat me in front of the table and he took a seat across from me.

“Eat.”

Yeon Woojeong put a piece of ribs on my plate. I wonder what I did to deserve this. I stared at the meat he gave me and then I put it into my mouth. The meat soaked in the sweet and salty sauce was tender and chewy. I heard laughter across from me. When I looked up, he asked while propping his chin.

“Is it good?”

I nodded. He looked at me for a while, then picked up his spoon.

Yeon Woojeong ate casually, and he didn’t bring up about what happened earlier. It was enough to make me think that nothing happened if it was not for the band-aid on his palm. But that moment was still in my hand.

After filling our stomachs and cleaning up the table, Yeon Woojeong took out his laptop from the book room and sat on the sofa. 

“Come here.”

I sat next to Yeon Woojeong, and he turned on the laptop. Then he opened a picture. It was a living room. The living room without any furniture was wide and pleasant. The window that occupied one side of the living room was wide.

“This is the living room.”

He pressed on a button and moved to the next picture. It was a wide room. The room had a sliding door to a built-in cabinet and vanity, and further back was the bathroom. 

“This is my room.”

His arm wrapped around my waist. He rested his chin on my shoulder, then he pressed on the button to flip over the picture. His breath scattered to my neck.

“This is yours.”

The room smaller than the previous room was bigger than the book room in this house. It had a window and looked comfy. This is my room. As I stared at the picture, Yeon Woojeong pressed his lips to my neck. 

“Want to change rooms?”

I shook my head as I heard the mischievous tone in his voice. I had only lived in places without a room of my own, so the size of the room didn’t matter. 

“Think about how you want to decorate it.”

“How will you decorate yours?”

“I only need a bed. It gets messy if there’s a lot of things.”

“What else do I need to buy besides a bed?”

“Well. A desk, a gaming console, a dresser, a computer. Something like that.”

Listening to him, I tried to imagine filling this room. A bed and a desk. I didn’t think I would need the others much.

“While we’re at it, let’s look at the furniture.”

Yeon Woojeong put his hand inside my t-shirt and stroked my abdomen while moving his other hand on the touchpad. I looked at the screen to endure the ticklishness. There were a lot of furniture with various sizes and designs on the website selling furniture. He clicked on each one, and whenever he liked something, he asked for my opinion. I said everything was good because I couldn’t really tell and there was nothing strange.

“What do we do if everything’s good? Shall we buy it all?”

He grazed my neck with his teeth. When I flinched, he pulled his hand out of my t-shirt and patted me on the stomach. I could feel Yeon Woojeong was being like this on purpose. Telling me to get away from the messy reality and to think about the time we will be together.

How big and great of a person Yeon Woojeong is. He didn’t say it. He showed it. He made me feel it.

I looked at Yeon Woojeong’s palm again. The band-aid with the trace of the seeping out blood. I had never thought of leaving my trace in this way.

I leaned my head on his. I repeatedly clenched and unclenched my fists, waiting for this feeling to quickly disappear. But it would never disappear. It was meant to be like that, after all.

.

.

.

I couldn’t sleep. Yeon Woojeong was sleeping in my arms. He tended to sleep late, so I purposely closed my eyes because I knew he would sleep even later if I stayed awake. Spending the time with my eyes closed made me confused about whether I had slept.

I carefully reached out and grabbed Yeon Woojeong’s fingertips. I couldn’t bring myself to touch his palm. I only touched his fingers in case I would make the wound worse.

I had been afraid that my misfortunes would rub off on Yeon Woojeong, but now I had to worry that I could be a danger to him. Isn’t that what human nature is? Something to be scared of because you don’t know when it’s going to come out. It’s going to show up someday and strangle you.

Even that man didn’t hit my mother from the start. Things were good between them until I was 9 years old. That man was an ordinary father. We weren’t exactly a rich family, but there was still laughter and warmth. 

It all started when he got laid off from his job and started gambling, losing money, and drinking. Was the problem the environment, or was it the origin? How could he raise his hand like that to the person he loved? If, if I also change like that…

It was a mistake. Mine was only a mistake.

The fact that Yeon Woojeong was injured wouldn’t change just because I thought it like that. The fact that I had a dream of killing him and imagined of strangling him to death. I should have dropped the knife when Yeon Woojeong entered my view. But I didn’t do that.