C210

"I think about acting, watching plays and researching the lyrics of my new album everyday, and I'm really tired. Gao Kan, I don't beg you to understand me and comfort me like others, but can you please give me a quick answer? Can you stop showing me your control like you did tonight? You know I love you, and you are my king. What else do you want me to do, prove my loyalty to you? "

"Gao Kan, to be honest, I have had enough of these days of being on tenterhooks! If you were not with me, I could still see my own heart, and I loved you, but now you are exhausting my feelings. I don't want to, you know? I really don't want to! I want to love you, I want to love you forever, you don't know how important you are to me, I had nothing at that time, it was you who gave me a bright youth, it was the most beautiful memory in my life, I don't want to be worn out by you like this. "

"Gao Kan, about the past, I don't have anything. I only have those memories that I shared with you left. Didn't you ask me what I wanted for the New Year? Actually, it's fine if I tell you, but it won't come true anyway. I want to return to the past with you, go back to the days when you were still my big brother and I was still your Coca Cola … "

It was as if they had grown wings, and once they had a small gap, they all rushed out of my throat.

I tried to keep my mouth shut, but I couldn't control them.

It was only when the dream wish of "going back to the past", accompanied by tears, was involuntarily uttered by me that the magic of "doing as one pleases" was interrupted.

No, no, it's not right. I want to go back to three minutes at once and say what I shouldn't have said. I should have continued to pretend I didn't care, shamelessly pester him, taken him over, left my mark on him, satisfied the desires of each other's bodies, enjoyed the night, and then separated.

Maybe I'll be happier that way.

Uncover my own scars like this, with me, with him, there is no benefit at all.

I feel bad for myself, and he will not feel good.

I really hate myself for being so childish, often boasting that I have experienced a lot, but I don't even have the ability to restrain myself!

-

Neither of us spoke for a long minute.

When I secretly cursed myself, like I was waiting for a judge to sentence me to death or a prisoner who was being released, when I peeked at Gao Kan from under my eyelashes anxiously, he finally opened his mouth with great difficulty and said words that would not disappoint me.

"... I'm sorry, we can't go back. "

Sorry, sorry, FUCK, sorry, I don't want to hear those three words.

I couldn't stop him from continuing, so I covered my ears and tried to cover my ears. I tried to use this action to tell him silently to stop talking.

Gao Kan wanted to say more, but even then, he forced my hand away from his ear, pressed on my shoulder, and forced me to look at him.

That deep and cold look in his eyes indicated how cruel his next words would be.

I took a deep breath, bit my lower lip, held my breath, and waited for him to speak.

However, he had never expected that the next words he would say would actually be …

"However, have you ever thought that we could actually start over?"

-

Begin again?

These four words were as difficult to understand as the words I had heard when I was first born.

I was puzzled and looked at Gao Kan without thinking.

He did not understand what the meaning of those words between his sexy lips meant.

Gao Kan held onto my shoulder, his knuckles tightening, he explained further: "Glittering, look, we have grown up now, and changed, and are no longer the same as before. Without me, you can still live a good life, right?"

Yes, I know all that, you don't have to tell me.

I just thought this in my heart, but my mouth didn't say anything. I only forced a smile that was uglier than a cry, and said, "En."

Then, Gao Kan said, "But I can't."

Hm?

The words that I had been caught off guard and played in my head a few times before they were clearly displayed in my mind.

What he meant was …

"I tried it for two years, and I couldn't do it without you, and then I forced myself to go back home and watch your news and see your performance and see how happy you were to be alive and I was really upset and then I took you over in such a hateful and hateful way. "I thought I would be tired of walking away without a care in the world, just like the psychiatrist said. But …" After saying that, Gao Kan lowered his head, and touched the tip of my nose a few times. Then, with a smile, he asked me with a tone that was as though it was weightless, "I tried many times, but failed, didn't I?"

-

Isn't it?

After he pestered me for an entire night one night, he told me in the morning that he wanted to start over with another woman. But after that, he and Shan Liang walked through all the intimate scenes, but in the end, he just kept it to the surface and didn't even get to sleep.

The day he sent me to Chenchen, he told me on the way to the airport that he was tired of being cured. But then he took me back to our "love nest" and arranged for me to go back to the Da Liang Shan. Taking the risk of being spread a rumor, he silently accompanied me at the hospital.

I thought back a little to the months that had passed since our reunion, and in connection with what he had just said, I finally understood what he was trying to say, and why he had recently become abnormal.

"Gao Kan, I understand. Are you troubled because you can't separate from me? Actually, there's a reason behind it. From the night when Su Jiawang confessed to me, the moment you appeared, I swore to pester you. After you were with Shan Liang, I was so jealous that I wanted to take you back. If I hadn't interfered and used some tricks to keep you here, and let you stay with me, then perhaps you would be able to have a long term relationship with each other. At the very least, she would be able to replace me. "

"To tell you the truth, Gao Kan, if … if you were to suffer because of this, as long as I stay far away from you and stop bothering you, I guarantee that you will quickly forget about me and return to your happy days of the past."

When I finished, I felt a lot more at ease.

At least I could figure out why he was so upset, so that I would know how to make him happy.

Gao Kan's hand slipped off my shoulder, and after a while, he asked in a low voice, "... So that's what you think? "

"Yes." I nodded my head against my will, thought for a bit, and added seriously, "Is there a problem with your therapist's professional ethics? What kind of rotten idea is this? Maybe he didn't expect me to be so thick-skinned that I would pester you to no end? Why don't you try changing it again? "

Gao Kan asked back, "So, you feel that being with me like this right now, is very depressing, insecure, and unhappy?"

I nodded without thinking.

The current him has a weird personality and a bad temper. I am indeed very depressed, unhappy, and insecure.

Gao Kan no longer spoke, he turned his gaze towards outside the window, and when he stepped on the boat pedals, he started to turn aimlessly. After a while, he took out a cigarette from his pocket, as though he was very anxious, wanting to light it up, but he kept Zippo in his pocket instead.

Unable to bear it, I got up and said, "I'll open the window. If you want to smoke, then smoke."

"Yi Shanshan." Gao Kan held down my hand, invited me to sit, and then said: "... Then, just give me three more months. After I think it through, if I still can't accept others, we can start over, okay? "