CH 17.2

Save me…… 

He was out of breath. When he opened his mouth to breathe, cold water rushed in his throat, making the pain get even worse. The man struggled.

I can’t breathe… It’s painful……

Even if he struggled, there was nothing he could reach. His body kept sinking down, and the tremendous cold penetrated every corner of his body. It was painful and tormenting. He was so afraid of the breath that he couldn’t take properly, and the coldness that made his bones cold.

No… No, I…

But it wasn’t the suffocating breath that made him suffer more. It wasn’t the cold that made him more terrified.

I… want to be loved…… 

Suddenly, he felt like his heart was breaking. Sorrow and solitude, anguish, jealousy, wrath and resentment. All of that surrounded his whole body like a tsunami and storm, and began to eat him up.

I want to get loved… I don’t care for the price. I only want that…

His tears burst out. He couldn’t even breathe properly, but his cry crawled over from his clogged lungs. All those emotions quickly eroded his senses. Soon, only one person’s face came to mind beyond the view that was getting obscure, but no matter how much he reached out, there was no way to reach him out because that person kept getting farther away,

And what was left for him was darkness, darkness, and only darkness.

***

“Your Highness! Your Highness!”

“Gasps!”

Hwawoon raised his body gasping like a person who was rescued from drowning. When Hwawoon reached out his arm into the air and struggled as if trying to catch something, Ahjin quickly grabbed his hands and hugged him into her arms.

“Your Highness, I’m Ahjin. Your Highness, please wake up!”

“Ahjin…?”

“Yes, Your Highness! I am Ahjin. It seems like you have a nightmare.”

As his movement subsided a little, Ahjin lightly patted Hwawoon’s back—trying to calm down her master. Hwawoon, who went to bed early after taking medicine because he was not feeling well after what happened in the day, continued to moan and suffer in his sleep, making Ahjin worry.

Then, when night came, his breathing finally calmed down, and Ahjin was relieved because she thought he finally slept tight. Alas, less than two hours later, he had a nightmare and woke up like this.

“I… nightmare…”

“Yes. It’s only a dream, Your Highness. It’s fine now.”

Hwawoon was still not fully awake, muttering what Ahjin had said while panting. He couldn’t breathe easily as if he was still in a dream, and his body trembled. It was hard for him to get out of the dream because it felt so vivid.

Only after drinking a cup of warm tea that Ahjin brought by ordering another court lady did Hwawoon finally come to his senses. Hwawoon, who was leaning on Ahjin because he couldn’t even control his body properly until then, recalled the dispersed memory for a moment while his sense of reality gradually became clearer after drinking tea. 

Once again, he heard harsh words from the emperor he encountered unexpectedly. Even when he said he wanted to change and become a loyal person for him, the emperor disregarded his resolution with cold words and turned his back. After that, the chill that tormented Hwawoon all night must have flowed from the emperor. 

Nevertheless, Hwawoon didn’t blame the emperor. He even thought that he had no right to do so. Not only because he thought the emperor’s reaction was natural considering what Yeon Hwawoon had done so far, Hwawoon honestly thought that—Hawoon—himself did not deserve sincerity either.

It was not merely because Hawoon was from lowly status. The problem was not because he was actually a commoner that had no right to see the emperor. The real reason for Hwawoon to have no face in front of the emperor was the fact that he currently existed in front of him through lies. 

If the emperor insulted Hwawoon for pretending, how could Hwawoon say that was mean of him? His existence alone was a sham for the emperor. Hwawoon actually wasn’t Yeon Hwawoon, but Hawoon. Thus, Hwawoon, being existed, ate, breathed, and moved, was no different from a great sinner who had been irreverent to the emperor. 

Therefore, Hwawoon was willing to gladly accept it no matter how harsh the emperor was on himself. 

“I’m fine now, so don’t stare at me like that.” 

After thinking that far, Hwawoon spoke softly to Ahjin, who was still examining his complexion with a worried expression. Ahjin was wiping away the cold sweat on his face with a handkerchief. Because of how careful that touch of hers was, the sadness that kept filling up despite his effort to suppress it seemed to fade away one by one with Ahjin’s touch. 

“Ahjin…”

Hwawoon called Ahjin, who was adjusting his bedding after carefully laying him back. 

“Yes, Your Highness. Is there anything you need?”

As Ahjin asked naturally, Hwawoon unconsciously smiled because he saw there was no sign of fear that she felt at their first meeting on her face.

At least, it’s a good thing for this person that I became Yeon Hwawoon. 

Thinking like that, Hwawoon could slightly erase the guilt he felt at every moment of living another person’s life.

“No. I just… thank you.” 

“… Why are you saying that? This is my duty, anyway…”

“Still. Thank you—a lot. I’m fine now, so you too can have a good sleep now.”

“Yes, Your Highness.”

Hwawoon knew that even if Ahjin answered like that, she would probably sleep, awkwardly curling up, before his bedroom. Looking at Ahjin quietly stepping back with her back bent, Hwawoon made up his mind.

Let’s do what I can. There is nothing I can do about the irreparable relationship, but I have to stay focused for the sake of people who can be more comfortable and happy if I do well.

That was the only thing Hwawoon could do for now.