CH 59

Even though he knew it was a vain obsession. Even though he knew it was a lingering feeling and emotion that would not help him or the deceased Hawoon, he couldn’t sort out his mind. Thus, Seocheon came to think that he should go to Jeongan Palace and watch him closely.

He didn’t know exactly what he wanted. Whether he just wanted to stay where Hawoon was at his last moment, whether he wanted to take off the mask that Yeonbin was wearing, or whether he just wanted to get revenge on Yeonbin for Hawoon’s death. 

“Why do you train foolishly until your hand hurts like this?”

Late at night, he remembered the voice of Hawoon, who wrapped a handkerchief around his blistered hand and nagged him with an upset voice as if it was his hand that was injured.

Maybe all this lingering feeling was about his heart not being able to say everything he wanted to say to him. 

In the night when nothing was certain, Seocheon just swallowed a lot of emotions.

***

“Even so, please don’t ever do that again, Your Highness…”

Massaging Hwawoon’s hand in warm water, Ahjin opened her mouth in an exhausted voice. Ahjin still thought about what happened during the day, and her heart was beating violently and her legs were shaking, making it hard to stand properly. Hwawoon, who had been lost in thought for a while, looked up at Ahjin due to her voice that seemed to burst into tears at any moment, and soon said in a soft voice.

“Yeah, I won’t do it again.”

“Please keep your words…”

“Okay okay. I’m sorry to startle you.”

Ahjin, who looked at the face of her master who was really good at answering with a sour expression, wiped Hwawoon’s hands, which had returned to warmth after being dipped in warm water, and lost in thought.

She thought there was no more surprise about the change in her master, but what happened today was really shocking to Ahjin, who accepted and supported the change in Hwawoon earlier than anyone else.

Her master, since childhood, thought he was the most important person in the world for the pain he felt, so he was a person who had never even sympathized with those who were weak or in need. The kind of person who felt uncomfortable with the dirty dirt on his clothes when a hungry and dirty child grabbed the hem of his clothes while walking on the street.

But what was the behavior her master showed today? He spoke out for those at the lowest place, willing to take the blame for his involvement in the emperor’s work as a concubine. If Ahjin hadn’t heard it right by his side, she would never have believed it.

Perhaps that’s why Ahjin, who was looking at Hwawoon while holding the towel that had wiped all the water from his hands, suddenly thought that her master’s face looked so unfamiliar. She thought she could now draw his eyes and mouth with her eyes closed because they had been together for a long time, but at this moment, the face of the person sitting in front of her was not familiar as if she had never seen it before.

“Ahjin…?”

Hwawoon noticed that Ahjin suddenly stood blankly and only looked at him. When he called her name, Ahjin, who was surprised, answered with her shoulders shaking, “yes?” When she collected her gaze, which had been blurred for a while, she saw Hwawoon’s face looking at her with a worried expression.

“It seems like I made you so surprised. Go and take a rest now. Okay?”

The raised voice, saying okay? was so sweet that she felt strange. Today, in particular, she thought that she did not know why even that kindness of his was so unfamiliar.

“Your Highness…”

“… What’s wrong? Are you feeling unwell?”

Hwawoon, who had a down expression for a moment at the sight of Ahjin who continued to look unwell, hurriedly rose from his seat and took a step closer to Ahjin to check her complexion. Ahjin, who was quietly looking at Hwawoon who was taking a look if she was sick with delicate eyes, soon took a step back and shook her head.

“No. I’m not, Your Highness. Just like what you said, I think it’s because I am so surprised today.”

“Hm… Now I’m going to lie down, so you go now and take a rest.”

“Yes. I will do it, Your Highness.”

Ahjin, who curled up her lips so that her master wouldn’t worry more, grasped the towel in her hand and quickly cleared her mind. His Highness is only changed after going through a big accident and losing his memory. Isn’t the familiar face in front of me the proof? I think today’s event was really a big shock. Thinking so, Ahjin began to arrange the bedding of Hwawoon with a familiar movement.

These strange feelings today would all disappear when she woke up.

***

“Your Majesty… it’s late. Why don’t you go in now…”

Eunuch Oh uncharacteristically talked to the emperor with an uneasy expression. The reason was that Yihan had been walking aimlessly in Suhwawon at night for an hour. From the perspective of Eunuch Oh, it was natural to be worried because he hardly ate, worked until late, and then wandered aimlessly like this. 

However, Yihan did not even spare a glance at Eunuch Oh, and still took steps in silence. Eunuch Oh could not dare to guess what kind of thoughts were reflected in the shadowed emperor’s face. However, since he had been dark-faced since he talked with Yeonbin at Jeongan Palace today, he vaguely thought it must be related to him.

And so, a long moment passed again. Suddenly, Yihan opened his mouth.

“If he really lost his memory, he must feel like he is in another world.” 

At that time, Yihan’s eyes were facing forward, but what he was seeing was the appearance of someone else, not the view of Suhwawon in front of him, so Eunuch Oh swallowed his answer without realizing it and kept his mouth shut. Yihan then continued,

“If nothing comes to mind, but everyone around him hates him, is afraid, and doesn’t believe anything he says, how horrified and terrified he would have been.”

Yihan was recalling the day when he first visited Jeongan Palace after Hwawoon drowned and woke up. He was wondering what he said after making the person, who hasn’t even recovered properly yet, kneel before him. Wondering what words he used to ignore and blame him, every time each word flashed through his mind, Yihan bit his lips because his heart seemed to be sinking every time.

“Every time he listened to me ignoring, mocking, and insulting every effort he made… whenever that happened…”

At Suhwawon, when they met by chance; at Jeongan Palace, where the courtiers looked at him scorning him; Yihan could not even look back on how Yeon Hwawoon’s face and expression in front of him were. He felt afraid. Now, Yihan was so afraid that that person might have been enduring his painful and sad expression.

“How… How lonely, solitary, and sick he must have been…”

“Your Majesty… It was inevitable. Since His Highness Yeonbin’s past actions were like that, how could you believe all those words at once…?” 

At the words of Eunuch Oh, Yihan stopped and looked endlessly at somewhere on the road shone by moonlight. Yihan also knew. Anyone who knew Yeon Hwawoon’s past track record would have had no choice but to act like Yihan. Rather, Yihan himself knew that he had treated him amiably compared to what he had done.

But when he thought of Hwawoon who knelt in front of him today and begged him to take care of the weaker and lower people. When he thought about Yeon Hwawoon, who put his forehead on the back of his hand, thanking him as if he had been saved. When he thought about those. 

Then Yihan was reminded of Yeon Hwawoon’s night, the night in which he gave him harsh words. The night of Yeon Hwawoon, where he had to kneel, reflect, and bow his head every time because of the past that he couldn’t even remember. The feelings of that day.

“… So, it is not unreasonable for Yeon Hwawoon to be so undisturbed about me.” 

“…”

“Someone who has been pouring vicious words into him every single day he remembers. Who on earth could…” 

Who on earth could love that person? He probably won’t even remember the days he fell in love with me.

Yihan couldn’t keep up with the last words, and he couldn’t say those words that came to mind clearly. The relationship between the emperor and the concubine is a relationship where there is no reason for feelings like love or whatever to intervene, and those feelings were not something that the emperor himself could share with a concubine.

“I still couldn’t be someone worthy of your trust, Your Majesty.”

Yihan recalled words that Hwawoon gave to him as if he were consoling him, who was very confused. Yihan now really didn’t want to count the feelings of Yeon Hwawoon when he had to say those words out of his mouth.

“… Let’s go back to Anjeong Palace.”

After a while, the emperor’s steps turned around. It was another night when emotions that could not be answered were piled up one after another.