CH 64

Only then Yihan realized how selfish and childish he was acting toward Hwawoon. He was the one who pushed him because he hated and was annoyed by him, but now he was even blaming him for not coming to visit him. He couldn’t believe how he was being so selfish toward Yeon Hwawoon. Once he realized it, he was so embarrassed by his actions that his face was getting hot. 

He never talked properly with him. He never properly acknowledged his change. Yet such a person brazenly dared for that person to know his mood and act accordingly. 

Yihan was so surprised and dumbfounded by himself, so he bit his lip once and slowly talked to Hwawoon. 

“You told me this before. That if you didn’t change, but became another person… how would I treat you.” 

Hwawoon blinked his eyes, surprised by the memory of the unexpected day that suddenly flowed out of Yihan’s mouth. The emperor’s gentle and affectionate answer to the question he asked unknowingly on the day when he was completely swayed by emotions after dreaming of Yeon Hwawoon was still protecting his night from nightmares.

Thinking of the face the emperor showed him that day and the voice he told him, Hwawoon felt emotional without knowing it and only looked at the emperor with his eyes shaking. Meanwhile, Yihan, who had chosen words several times with a troubled expression, continued as if he were a child taking the first step. 

“The one… The one I despised, reluctant of, and hated to see is Yeon Hwawoon of the past.” 

Hwawoon instantly wanted to stop the emperor from talking if he could. But at the same time, he wanted to hear it to the end even if the world crumbled down. He felt like he couldn’t dare to handle the following words, but he was willing to get suffocated and die under the weight of those words. The emperor continued to talk to Hwawoon, who was dizzy and couldn’t reply to him.

“But the current you… because you are now a different person from that person…” 

Because you are now a different person from that person. Even Yihan, who was speaking at this moment, would never be able to guess what those words would mean to Yeon Hwawoon.

“Now I… won’t blame and insult you for the things you don’t do.”

“Your Majesty…”

“So you too… don’t act like a sinner in front of me anymore.” 

Even if it was Hwawoon’s selfish misunderstanding, it seemed that the one the emperor was seeing at this moment was not Yeon Hwawoon of the past, but the person he was now. Hwawoon knew it was shameless of him, but he couldn’t resist Yihan’s words. 

***

Yihan’s mother spent her whole life being wary of other women. Back in the day, she entered the imperial family as the official wife and naturally became the empress, but never ever for a moment did she have the emperor’s love. Therefore, she could not put her confidence forward as the empress in front of the woman who entered the family as a mistress and quickly reached the noble concubine position—the so-called woman who dominated the emperor’s love.

The Noble Concubine was of the frivolous and bossy character. The emperor adored her attitude, which was different from ordinary women’s, but it was only in front of the emperor that it became a cute act that could be laughed off. It was impossible to express in words how arrogant and rude the Noble Concubine was in front of the Empress when she even gained the authority to control the internal court in her hands.

Fortunately, after becoming empress, she gave birth to the oldest child with the right of primogeniture, Yihan. Alas, soon after, the emperor’s favorite woman also gave birth to a prince, so Yihan’s mother often woke up screaming from the nightmare of the Noble Concubine strangling her and her son being kicked out of the crown prince’s seat.

The Noble Concubine and her prince did indeed try to bring Yihan down from the crown prince’s position and planned treason, so in conclusion, the Empress’s anxiety was not only a vain delusion. If it wasn’t for the strong protection from the Empress Dowager of the time, Yihan might have been unable to keep his position.

Under these circumstances, young Yihan had to face his mother’s anxiety throughout his growth. Driven by jealousy, anger, and anxiety, the Empress easily fell apart and showed her emotional sides in front of her young son. Before Yihan took the throne of the emperor, he did not bring in any other woman other than the current empress, Jaran, because he considered his mother’s hate for concubines.

After many twists and turns, Yihan became the emperor, and it was only after the Empress herself ascended to the position of Empress Dowager that her hatred of concubines faded little by little. She opened the concubine selection for Yihan, who didn’t have any concubines even after he became the emperor, but Empress Dowager’s eyes toward women were still sharp.

If there were ambitions in their eyes, if they showed coquettish acts in front of the emperor, if they had a strong personality or had excessive beauty. The Empress Dowager looked carefully at such things and over the years had only selected a few of the weakest and most docile.

If the Empress Dowager didn’t wary of the loyal retainers’ daughters—precisely the women that could give birth to a son that could give threat to the heir’s position—even if it was the Emperor’s request, there might be no case of a man that couldn’t give birth to a child to enter the imperial palace instead of a woman from the Yeon family.

This was the reason Yihan treated the Empress with respect, and treated the concubines equally but not favoring anyone deeply. 

How unnecessary love for the emperor. How far that blinded the emperor. Furthermore, how that endangered the imperial family and nation, calling the bloodbath upon the emperor’s children. For Yihan, who had watched and experienced those throughout his life, he couldn’t put anyone inside his heart for personal reasons. He didn’t want to do that, he himself thought that was unacceptable, and in fact, he lived like that as his will this far.

“…”

However, on this late night, when Yihan didn’t go to any concubine’s residence as well tonight and laid alone in his bed, the face of a concubine named Yeon Hwawoon was the one that came to mind at the end of his recollection of the past.

Not the empress, not the other concubines who maintained a peaceful relationship with him, but the concubine, Yeon Hwawoon, which he thought would never be close again in his life. Yihan was thinking of him.

I won’t blame and insult you anymore. I will treat you as a completely different person from the past. So you too don’t act like a sinner in front of me anymore. The expression Yeon Hwawoon drew when Yihan said those was vividly drawn before his eyes. It was a face that could not be explained simply as an expression of being so touched by the emperor’s boundless grace. 

If there’s someone who really got a new life, would they make that expression? If the person who lost his whole life gets it back, will he be able to make such a face? 

Hwawoon’s expression immediately turned complicated with storm-like emotions, which couldn’t come out simply because his past deeds were forgiven by the emperor. Yihan thought he might break down and burst into tears right away. Yeon Hwawoon had a face that looked like he was about to cry out like the day he shed tears that he couldn’t hold back in his arms.

However, Hwawoon didn’t cry. He didn’t break down. Even with such a chaotic expression, he bit his lips once, held his breath, closed his eyes deeply as if organizing the swirling emotions, opened his eyes, and kneeled down in a steady movement. He then said to Yihan,

“Your grace is immeasurable, Your Majesty. As long as I live with the name of Yeon Hwawoon, I will deeply cherish the grace, which you have bestowed on me today, and I will never forget it.”

“As long as I live with the name of Yeon Hwawoon…”

He had thought it when he heard it, but it was really a sentence with a strange nuance even when he recalled it. Not simply I will live, but as long as I live. It wasn’t a normal sentence. 

“Doesn’t it sound like a person who lives by borrowing someone else’s name?…” 

Looking at the ceiling where the shadow of the shortened candle fluttered, Yihan calmly repeated the meaning of the hard-to-understand sentence said by Hwawoon, and suddenly realized that he was still thinking about a concubine. Any night, any day. No one had ever disturbed the emperor’s mind so finely that he repeatedly thought about them.

The feelings that Yihan felt for Hwawoon now were not the same as any other feelings he thought of, such as believing and relying on, affectionately caring for, being angry, or hating to see him. These were new feelings that have never been there before and that he thought would never exist.

Therefore, he was afraid that it was wrongful. He was afraid if they were turning into the feeling he had been wary of all his life, a feeling he shouldn’t feel. 

Yihan closed his eyes, trying hard to erase Hwawoon’s face that kept lingering before his eyes. Then, the face of his mother, who shed tears saying that the emperor’s love was like poison to everyone, came to mind, and Yihan could not sleep deeply that night either.