CH 127

Yihan, who felt that the weight in Hwawoon’s voice had changed, nodded with the same heavy look. 

“Yes. Of course, I remember.” 

“Then Your Majesty… What if it’s somewhere else, not my hand?” 

“Somewhere else?” 

“If I were taller than I am now. If my shoulders were wider and my face were more manly than now. Then, what would you have done?” 

When he lived in the inn, he heard quite a lot that Hawoon looked beautiful, and he did have a slender physique. However, the comparison to the warriors in the market was not comparable to Yeon Hwawoon, who was called the peerless beauty. Even though he knew he should keep his mouth shut, Hwawoon couldn’t stop the pent-up bitterness from leaking out. 

“If I were such a man… I’m sure you certainly wouldn’t want to spend the night with me…” 

It was really a meaningless question. He already knew the answer, so what was there to ask? Hwawoon’s voice got weaker and weaker. There was an old saying, give an inch, and they’ll take a mile, and it was just like him. Yihan gave no answer and Hwawoon curled up even more. This time he really had nothing to say, even if he would be scolded for talking nonsense without knowing his place.

At that time, however, Yihan imagined it while looking at Hwawoon. Yeon Hwawoon, who was a little taller than now. Yeon Hwawoon, who had slightly wider shoulders and looked less splendid than now. Of course, because of the face right in front of him, he couldn’t imagine him looking rough at all. Instead, Yihan saw a slightly healthier-looking, lean man with a gentle face sitting in front of him. 

After a long time, Yihan opened his mouth. 

“Such a thing shouldn’t happen.” 

Hwawoon had already expected that answer. But just because he had expected it, it never meant he felt nothing. Hwawoon bit his lips as his heart ached. But Yihan continued. 

“Even now, when the courtiers see you, their hearts are captivated, and they couldn’t stop talking about you being a beautiful gentleman.”

“…?”

“Are you going to bewitch all the women in the palace?” 

Yihan was very serious. The story of the courtiers who went to Jeongan Palace to see Yeonbin at the end of the morning greetings was still a bad memory in his mind. Then Yihan saw Hwawoon blink with an expression that showed he didn’t understand what he was hearing. Yihan calmed down his immature heart which was upset for a moment and thought about why Hwawoon asked that question.

Looking back, Hwawoon was always like this. Especially when his body was weak and his mind seemed to be crumbling along with it. As if Yihan was looking at him wrong. As if he thought Yihan was treating him so affectionately just because of his appearance. Hwawoon constantly asked Yihan what he would have done if he were a different person with another appearance.

“… Maybe I won’t be able to know all about your anxiety.”

Yihan thought that maybe it was because he lost his memory. It could be that he could not consider himself the same person as the past Yeon Hwawoon. He had no memory left, but since everything he said and did now looked nothing like what he did in the past, Hwawoon could have regarded himself as a completely new person who had nothing to do with the past.

It made Yihan wonder if Yeon Hwawoon felt that his appearance was not completely his. 

Of course, Yihan could not fully understand other people’s minds only by guessing. However, Yihan didn’t want Hwawoon to feel such anxiety. He didn’t want Hwawoon to feel that he made Yihan’s mind change just because he had such a beautiful appearance. Yihan caressed Hwawoon’s cheek affectionately. His heart sank as he thought that Hwawoon had been battling with this fear alone while he was wandering around. Yihan continued. 

“All I want to say is…”

“…”

“I don’t want to get your night just because your face is beautiful.” 

Hwawoon’s beauty meant nothing to Yihan. This was the case even before Hwawoon went around doing wicked things. Yihan was an emperor who had no favorite color and no favorite accessory. He had no favorite poems, books, or paintings. Therefore, the beauty of a concubine, whether a woman or a man, could not mean anything to Yihan.

“I like the way you talk, and I like your gentle and warm heart. Your kindness, pouring into me without expecting anything in return, has finally made my heart give in like this.” 

At that moment, Yihan’s mind flashed back to the days of spring, which were now far away. Hwawoon’s shoulders as he prostrated to the ground and his voice as he declared that he wanted to be a loyal person to the emperor. The way he calmly admitted his mistake and the way he gently smiled at the young courtiers. In the end, Hwawoon’s kindness made Yihan see him anew.

“So if your heart were the same as it is now, I would have wanted you no matter what you looked like.” 

No one can really know what will happen with their life. Yihan knew well that the results could change out of control even with a very small twist. If his feelings were the ones that he had no choice but to come back to even though he had tried so hard to run away and escape. If it was such a fate. Then wouldn’t they have met someday even if it wasn’t the same as now? That’s what Yihan wanted to say.

Hwawoon, still listening to Yihan, clutched the blanket tightly with both hands. Many questions arose in his mind. It was all a disrespectful and absurd assumption. Ridiculous questions like whether the emperor would have treated him in a special way even if he had met him as Hawoon, a guard, and not as the concubine Yeon Hwawoon.

However, the answer to the question he couldn’t ask out was no longer important. Hwawoon knew that even this ridiculous assumption was a fantasy that he could not dare to have without the emperor’s permission. If the emperor had not been such a good man, such a compassionate man, and not even generous to the insignificant, Hwawoon could not have been here now. 

“Your Majesty…” 

Hwawoon’s mouth opened at last. He looked completely different from how he had just looked, which was like running away because he was afraid. Hwawoon’s hand, which was clutching the blanket, moved very slowly and held the tip of the emperor’s sleeve once again. 

“Your Majesty……” 

Even though it was only a call, the emotions it contained were so heavy that Yihan couldn’t answer and held his breath. Such tension, anticipation, excitement, and slight fear that he had never felt in his life washed over him. It was a feeling he could only feel in front of the current Yeon Hwawoon. Hwawoon’s voice followed.

“… Please don’t go, Your Majesty.” 

“Oh…” 

“Can you please not go and stay here tonight?”

Hwawoon wanted to think that the emperor allowed it. In the first place, Hawoon was able to see the emperor’s face and enter the palace, all of which were originally not allowed for him, because the emperor allowed it. So Hwawoon wanted to be greedy for this night. Hwawoon wanted to hold the emperor, Sung Yihan, the only greed in his life, a little more.

After visibly gulping down a mouthful of saliva, Yihan said. 

“Do you know how that word will sound to me? I’ve told you that I don’t think I can control myself.” 

“… Yes, Your Majesty. I know.” 

Yihan almost groaned. Flames burst from somewhere in his heart. He felt feverish in an instant. Seeing that even the light on the black eyes disappeared without a trace, Hwawoon faced the guilt that made him want to run away and held the emperor’s sleeve more tightly. 

Just one day. Just one night. 

It was worth dying for, if only to gain this one night with the emperor. He thought he could bear it even if he couldn’t wash away his sin after he died and burned down for eternity. He was willing to face any pain as long as he could hold all the warmth given by the emperor in his arms.

“I’m…”

Hwawoon said, holding his breath several times because tears and laughter seemed to come out at the same time. 

“… I want to get your night.”

I’m willing to pay any price for it. 

So, how could Yihan hold on any longer? How could he hold back when the man, who was becoming the first and only man in his life, said this?

Their lips got closer again. Yihan led Hwawoon’s hand that was holding his sleeve and wrapped it around his neck. Taking a deep breath, he made Hwawoon lie down slowly and covered his body over him. 

“… I’ll do it slowly without making you in pain… So don’t be too afraid.” 

Yihan, who still remembers Eunuch Oh’s words that this was probably the first experience for Hwawoon, whispered, licking Hwawoon’s lips gently with his tongue. Yihan sincerely hoped that this night would not be a pain or fear for Hwawoon. He hoped that this moment, which he would remember as the first time, would remain a happy sensation. It was an emotion that was indescribably cautious.