CH 137

As his thoughts drifted to that point, he suddenly remembered something Yeon Hwawoon had said long ago, before he changed. The absence of jealousy means the absence of love; it was what Yeon Hwawoon had used as an excuse for his lies. At the time, he thought Hwawoon was just being selfish, but now that he remembered it, he suddenly felt a pang in his heart. 

On reflection, after his change, Yeon Hwawoon never confessed his feelings to Yihan. Even when he, the Emperor, declared his love for him, he received no reply. Thinking about it caused Yihan to suddenly feel cold as if his hands and feet were going numb. He wondered why Hwawoon had never expressed a single word of his feelings to him.

“You… You really…!”

Yihan felt a strong desire to ask him. Do you really don’t feel anything? Do you not desire anything of mine? What kind of feelings do you have for me?

Yihan couldn’t ask, however. He really didn’t have the courage to ask. He felt that if Hwawoon hesitated to answer, it would be hard for him to endure the pain in his heart, and even if Hwawoon gave the answer he wanted, it would be hard for him to erase the suspicion that he was only answering out of obligation because he was a concubine. Within a second, his mood sank to rock bottom. Yihan, refusing to yield for no reason, opened his mouth to speak. 

“All right. If you insist, I will go to the Empress Palace right away. Will that do?”

Say you don’t want it. Show me your sad face. Without understanding that Yihan was feeling so desperate, Hwawoon lowered his head and replied with a calm face.

“I am grateful for your willingness to listen to my impertinent request, Your Majesty.”

Frustrated and angry because he didn’t like the way Hwawoon answered, Yihan wanted to shout to him, ‘There really are a lot of things you’re grateful for!’ Nevertheless, he didn’t do it because he was so sad that he didn’t have the energy to do so. 

Instead, Yihan raised himself. Hwawoon followed him. Yihan turned around, and Hwawoon put down one of his knees and said, “Take care on your way, Your Majesty.”  

Yihan couldn’t believe how Hwawoon could be so cold and cruel. Gritting his teeth, Yihan was determined not to treat Hwawoon in a special way anymore now that he had come out like that and walked away as if he had no regrets.

… He did walk away. 

“…”

But eventually, Yihan stopped his steps before he could walk past the door. Standing tall, Yihan breathed a few times and then parted his lips.

“Are you sure you don’t mind if I go?”

“…”

“Are you really fine with it? Are you sure you won’t have the slightest bit of regret all through the night?”

Hwawoon then finally lifted his head slightly from his kneeling position and saw the emperor’s back. It ached to see his slumped shoulders, like a boy robbed of his favorite thing, but Hwawoon knew he was a man who had to do his duty.

“How could I stop your steps and lament your departure? I have already received so much more than I deserve.”

He meant it. Hwawoon felt heavy every moment, knowing that he was already getting more than he deserved. So, how could he possibly accept that he was monopolizing the emperor’s night simply because the Emperor favored him?

Hwawoon never gave much thought to the question of whether it was really okay for the Emperor to embrace another woman. He was unable to pry into his own heart. In the first place, he didn’t have the right to do it, so Hwawoon had already made up his mind not to think about his feelings.

But just when Hwawoon was about to answer, Yihan turned to look at him and saw a wistful glint on Hwawoon’s face. He said he didn’t feel any regrets, but at that moment, Hwawoon looked very hurt and sad. His face was so wistful and sorrowful that Yihan felt his tightly clenched chest instantly loosen.

I knew it. It’s impossible even for you to not feel anything. Yihan gradually made sense of Hwawoon’s feelings. Given his personality, it would be difficult for him to openly express his love or show jealousy. After all, he was the emperor’s concubine. Yihan hurried back to Hwawoon and raised him from his kneeling position.

“Going to the Empress Palace suddenly at this time would cause the Empress to be confused and troubled. Besides, if I leave Seojeong Palace like this, won’t a rumor spread that I have deserted you out of the blue?”

“Oh…”

“So tonight, I will stay here, and I will go to the Empress Palace or another palace next time. Will it do?” 

Yihan’s voice was tender as he soothed Hwawoon. At this point, Hwawoon had no choice but to accept it. While he didn’t really care what people said about him, he was concerned about the Empress’s situation and the damage that could be done to the Emperor’s reputation if things went wrong. He was also worried that the children of Seojeong Palace would be disregarded again. When Hwawoon finally said, “Yes, Your Majesty,” with a look of acceptance on his face, Yihan led him to the bed, sat him down, and sat down beside him. He then shouted as if he suddenly remembered something.

“Ahjin.”

Ahjin, who had been on standby outside, quickly walked in, knelt down, and bowed. The Emperor said,

“I heard that there is an ointment for Yeonbin’s wound. Has it been applied today?”

Ahjin had already meticulously applied the ointment during the day, so Hwawoon opened his mouth to answer the question. But Ahjin was one step ahead of him.

“It has not yet been applied today, Your Majesty.” 

“Ahjin…?”

Hwawoon called out to Ahjin in disbelief at her false answer, but Yihan ignored him and believed Ahjin’s statement.

“You shouldn’t skip such an important medicine. Bring it in now. I’ll apply it myself.”

Yihan was berating Ahjin for missing applying the ointment, but there was no sharpness in his voice that suggested he was truly blaming her. It was hard to tell if this was because he knew Ahjin was lying or because he was pleased with the situation. But Ahjin, who didn’t really care about either way, didn’t give Hwawoon a chance to retort by saying, “Yes, Your Majesty, I’ll get it right away!” and rushed off. Hwawoon, who was dumbfounded by what had happened in an instant, soon regained his composure and said.

“Your Majesty, the ointment has already been applied.”

“I can’t believe you as you always say you’re fine. Didn’t Ahjin say it hasn’t been applied?”

“Your Majesty, it’s not that…”

“So… You mean to tell me that Ahjin dared to lie to the Emperor?”

Hwawoon was caught speechless when Yihan asked with his eyebrow raised in an exaggerated manner. A part of him felt that the Emperor was being unreasonable, but he couldn’t bring himself to retort now that Ahjin had already lied to him. Unwilling to take the chance that Ahjin might go wrong, Hwawoon no longer had the courage to stand up to the Emperor.

“No, Your Majesty. I must have been mistaken for a second.”

“Yes. I’m sure you have.”

Yihan, now looking satisfied again, curled his hands into fists as they thumped in time with his heartbeat. He had no idea why he was so nervous and anxious just from imagining something. In the meantime, Ahjin, who had returned in no time, placed the ointment in the Emperor’s hands and left the bedroom with the same swiftness. Yihan said, staring down at the ointment in his hand.

“Turn around.” 

“Your Majesty, I’m really fi—”

“Oho.”

“…”

Yihan’s eyes were already glazed with a peculiar desire. When he met those eyes, Hwawoon felt a sense of passion all over his body, as if that desire had rubbed off on him. Hwawoon, who was flustered by an uncontrollable knot in his lower back, rushed to avoid the emperor’s gaze and turned his back on him. Yihan’s hands then began to undo Hwawoon’s clothes from behind.

“…”

“…”

Silence filled the bedroom. The only noise was the rustling of clothes as they were removed layer by layer and each other’s breathing. When the top finally came off and the air hit his bare shoulders, Hwawoon reflexively shrunk his shoulders. He could feel the emperor’s gaze on the scar on his back without turning around. Although the Emperor had touched the scar and put his lips on it numerous times when they spent the night together, it felt so completely new to get it gazed upon in the stillness.

“Ah…!”

Suddenly, Yihan’s fingertips touched the wound without any prior notice. His fingers were bare without the ointment. Surprised by the sudden touch, Hwawoon broke out a little moan and quickly covered his mouth with his hand. His face flushed with embarrassment, but the emperor didn’t seem to mind at all.

“… Is it no longer painful?”

Instead, the emperor asked in a sorrowful voice as if he was the one in pain. It wasn’t the first time he saw the scar, but it still felt like his heart was being torn into a thousand pieces. This scar was like the penalty for the emperor’s mistake. It was the only guilt of the Emperor. Because he allowed himself to become complacent. Because he ignored Hwawoon despite knowing that he was in a clearly dangerous situation to prove to himself that Hwawoon meant nothing to him. As a result, Hwawoon was severely injured and had to live with this scar for the rest of his life.

“Yes, Your Majesty. It’s all good now.”

So, even though Hwawoon replied that he was fine and that he didn’t mind, he couldn’t get it off his chest. This time, the emperor’s hand slowly began to spread the ointment over Hwawoon’s scar. As his fingertips slowly ran over his skin, Hwawoon’s entire body felt numb as if the sensations were maximized in that area alone, causing him to curl up and down his toes over and over again.

Then, the Emperor said,

“… I’m sorry.”