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I admit that due to my family's worries and my frequent illness and lack of contact with others, I have always treated people less warmly, but that doesn't mean that I don't need friends. When Lee An-zhu comes everyday to care for me and chat with me, I really think of her as a close friend.

I believe in her so much, looking back on my life in the harem, in fact I feel I do not have too much regret, but this one became a knot in my heart that can not be erased, Lee An-zhu used me to harm Wang Jingzhi, my heart is sad and sad.

The Imperial Concubine Rong is favored by the Emperor, I know that, but the Imperial Concubine Rong is only born to be a palace maid, she can't be the most beautiful, and can't even be mentioned if she wants to be born with a family background. However, the emperor dotes on her, so no one in the palace can be pacified. Of course, I am unfair. People are always unsatisfied, the Emperor's warmth towards me is not what I want. Lee An-zhu also comes to me often to talk about her mistakes and how good her relationship with Wang Jingzhi is with her. She will only curry favor with her, a lady from the palace, and not put me in her eyes.

In fact, I couldn't completely blame Li Anzhu. If there wasn't a dark place in my heart, how could Li Anzhu make use of me? At that time, I was young, and I was the most respected imperial concubine in this palace, so I also had the selfish desire to eliminate myself. When I found out what Wang Jingzhi was trying to hide from me, I didn't hesitate to tell her.

But, when I was really looking on as Wang Jingzhi became haggard day by day, when Wang Jingzhi was really going to be killed because of my words, when I looked at how the Imperial Concubine Rong was willing to go against the Emperor for the sake of saving Wang Jingzhi's life … My heart began to hurt. I envied their friendship, and I felt ashamed of myself …

This matter is the knot in my heart for the rest of my life, the regret of my life. But because of this matter, I abandoned a dream in my heart: To become a queen! Because I really couldn't be as magnanimous as the Queen of Mercy. I know that I'm not qualified …

As early as after the death of Empress Nobutaka, when everyone outside the palace said I would be the next queen, my aunt said, My aunt is the empress, and I am the empress, which is to be expected. Do you believe me when I say I don't want to be queen? Of course I want to be one. The empress is the highest ranked woman in the palace, and more importantly, she is the only one worthy of the Emperor.

I remember one time when I was sick, I was lying on the sickbed, looking at my imperial cousin. I felt wronged and asked, "Is XiuNing not qualified to be a queen?"

The emperor smiled as he stroked my head. "Silly girl, don't think too much. No matter what position you're in, I'll always love you a lot."

This is how I get along with the Emperor. In my impression, the Emperor has never once scolded me. Even if I ask for more, he won't scold me or get angry. But I would have preferred him to be angry, for in his warm, caring smile I sometimes did not know whether he was looking at me, or at his aunt, who did not make him do his duty.

After Empress Xiao Zhao passed away, as the imperial concubine, I was the most respected woman in this palace. I was really not well protected, and I have never suffered any grievances in this palace.