169 [169]

He had a light voice as if he was going for a walk tomorrow. Duran was embarrassed, but as Catherine continued to speak, she could not even afford to express it.

"I'm going to make a will for this, but I don't think it's a good time to write about Karen. So I wanted to say something in person."

"…he, I suppose so."

"You don't have to cook anymore. Karen's rather suspicious of you because you're so good at it. You'll be leaving for the monastery soon anyway, so just let Nancy know the combination of drugs."

"…shi, shi, and meal would taste worse.”

"I can't help it. There are times when you refuse to take your medication when you forget everything.”

"The chi, the memory. Even though I can't."

"I don't remember, but I made up my mind over and over again... It's hard to change."

Catherine shook her blindfolded hair back. Karen's appearance comes out a few years later. Over her dark red eyelashes, impressive eyes look at Duran. The snow was such a color that would occasionally be seen in the dusk of summer. He sees himself in his eyes. Catherine shut her mouth and said to him again.

"When are you leaving?”

"Well, I'm leaving in a few days."

"…yes, I see."

Once again, silence hovered around the room. But the silence was not because he had nothing to say, but because he needed to be ready to speak.

Duran waited for her other words. Suddenly the smell of blood was disgusting.

Duran was hard to understand. Catherine was healthy. There was no problem with my body. Why would she die?

"Is there something wrong with your body?"

Duran couldn't help but wonder at her flushed cheeks. He looked far from being sick. Catherine shook her head.

"No, it will happen."

"Disease, it has nothing to do with... You did."

"Yes."

It was close to affirmation. Duran knows the special situation she is in. She died and survived repeatedly. And Duran remembered that Catherine's mother and her ancestors also did not live very long. Kathryn didn't ask because she didn't talk about him anymore, but not all of them lived that long.

Someone killed himself, some got sick, some got involved in the war. The reason for death was different, but no one lived a long life. At least that's what Catherine knew or left on the record. Was it not a coincidence? Is there anything else that governs life other than a period of repetition? Duran asked carefully.

"…is it related to Karen?"

"To a certain extent."

"Ka, is that the same for Karen?”

Catherine smiled at Duran's question.

"…I know what you're thinking. That's not true...It has nothing to do with blood.”

When I said the latter part, I had a slightly painful face. With his face twisted, Catherine went on.

"Your Royal Highness sent me another letter. I have to protect my family.”

"But I don't think it's a good idea for you to end your life."

"You don't know him. I know him. When I die, Prince Gwizu will no longer be interested in our family. He's always like that."

Catherine said so. A powerful man is obsessed with what he cannot get his hands on. For Prince Gwiz, it was Catherine. Catherine thought she had escaped from him, but marriage was a fragile escape.

Duran heard the lord expressing his troubles to the butler.

It was said that land taxes were levied more than usual. The sudden increase in taxes lacked money. I had to borrow money. The lord eventually had to borrow money from the Verdick Evans family, who were known as loan sharks.

Duran's next lord was not just because he was a close relative. It was also because all other relatives had already refused to inherit the land. The precious metals Catherine gave Duran separately were sufficient for his parents to live on, but apart from that, the estate became increasingly worthless. It was a debt-laden land.

When Catherine dies, Prince Gwiz will no longer be interested in Haier's estate.

Catherine said so.

"When I die, my story is over. Now Karen... You'll live. That's enough. Well, isn't it really like a fairy tale? Main characters often don't have a mother since they were young. Parents are leaving. I'm done with this."

“…….”

"Without me would be more helpful to Karen. What if I become weak and tell Karen the answer? So I'm right to die here."

Catherine laughed.

"Carran will really live her life. It's a minimum of protection. Haier will protect you. He's also... a parent."

But Dulan couldn't seem to feel anything fishy about her face. Listening to Catherine's words, she was far from the sublime of dying to protect her family. Catherine had a relaxed look on her face, listing the reasons for her death.

He didn't look worried about Karen, but he looked happy. Catherine kept looking at Dulan and seemed to suppress her expression as she spoke. It was the face of a man who wanted to say something but couldn't.

"…be more honest, if you have something to say."

Duran drew the sign and looked at Catherine. It was an expression that he would not mention as an apostle of God. Although he was a young priest who had not yet received official ordination, he was good at drawing the sign. Duran swore to God and asked Catherine.

"Are you sure?"

Are you really saying you're going to die to protect Karen?

Duran looked up at Catherine. Their eyes met. Catherine said after a long dry lip.

"The truth is… it's annoying."

Catherine clenched her fist. I felt a great deal of fatigue on my face. Kathryn expressed her sincerity while looking at Duran.

"I'm tired of living longer, too. This should be enough. I don't even want to end it. It's annoying to see if Karen will succeed or not. I know why she killed herself. If I've prepared this much for my daughter, I've done everything I can. Isn't that right?"

I don't mind dying now, do I? Her eyes were looking at Duran and asking. It wasn't the eye that wanted the truth. I only wanted consent.

"As a priest... you cannot recommend suicide."

"I can kill myself as much as I can without your help.”

"Gee, it's falling to hell."

"It's a funny joke. How many times do you think I've died so far?”

Duran replied in silence for a moment.

"…yes, I said that out of courtesy."

"Yes."

Catherine laughed.

"That's why I like you."

***

Catherine's illness has already been complete in a few days. She was not well versed in all knowledge, but she was good at suicide. Some suicide methods used drugs. Catherine made her own medicine. She said she was going to see Dulan, but she was actually swallowing poison instead of going to see him at the time she met him. Alone when he's not around. Her doctor may be embarrassed because she doesn't know why, but it's inevitable.

"Sol, to be honest...Rather than go in pain, go in comfort, go in pain..”

"No."

Catherine said flatly.

Duran couldn't understand. Tired of repeated deaths, he was convinced that he would commit suicide. But why choose to die painfully?

"Dulan, do you know the heart of a self-inflicted person?”

“…….”

"I want to deal with the time of my own death. Putting poison in my body... I feel relieved that you're dealing with my death. It's good not only for me but also for others. I need time to slowly face death, and I need time to let him and his friends leave me.”

"Well, if you think of others like that…...to live more.”

"It's a hassle to get there."

Catherine grinned.

***

Catherine looked up at Duran from afar. Her cheeks were thin and her eyes turned black, and her original beauty disappeared. That is only a precursor. He's going to get weaker and die. This is suicide.

Her rough, new voice followed.

"What are we?"

Is it life to have children over and over again? If you keep living in a stopped time, you get a lot of strange thoughts. My mother and grandmother did the same. This is how we live because we're livestock sacrificed to God.

The old congregation said we were blessed with endless blessings. If you know the future and want it, you can enjoy a life that's almost immortal. He said that we would be promised heaven because he represents the sins of the people by death.

There is no one who has not committed a crime while living a repetitive life. There's no one here. He's dead. Is everything all right? Is there nothing because time doesn't overlap?

I'm sure I'm lucky compared to other women. All women have to risk their lives to get married and have children. It's hard to get a job, get little inheritance, and don't even have a name left.

But should we consider it a blessing to have children, to die, to live a life that ends like that? Anyway, anyone's life's goal is to be a child...It's... strangely miserable.

If you're a royal family, you might want to save your country as a long-cherished dream.

A man could aim for a job.

But we have no choice but to have children, so we can't find value other than love.

Then at least I wanted to die from love.

And I did my best but failed.

But my daughter will succeed.

…so help me. So that Karen won't curse my choice...Really... if you catch a man who you think is happy...So I can get pregnant then.

***

The funeral was simple.

It was a lonely funeral that was not like Catherine once surrounded by royalty and nobles. Only a few people attended because Catherine died of illness. At that time, people were afraid to step out of their villages because there was an epidemic all over the country.

Duran only watched the funeral as an auxiliary priest because he had yet to receive formal ordination. However, when reading the memorial, I had some doubts about the sentence 'I will go to heaven.'

Will she ever go to heaven?

That day, Duran decided to be a heretic for his god.