Chapter 27: Lawyers

Chapter 27: Lawyers

Lancaster-3 was a colony much like Butterpond-4, but with one major difference. This one was significantly older, and as such its exploitation had progressed much further. As Joe and Maggies shuttle made its approach, the girl noted the planet below had significantly less greenery than the one she emerged on. It also seemed much more populated, with the distant lights of mega-cities covering almost the entirety of the largest continents landmass. Pollution was also much higher, given the thick layer of smog the shuttle had to pass through. Thankfully the air in the civilized areas was kept clean and breathable by enormous terraforming machinery, but a significant portion of the planet was uninhabitable.

Maggie found this state of affairs to be rather unfortunate. She would have liked the chance to locate and observe new life forms during her stay here, but that wasnt going to happen. She didnt dwell on the matter too much, though. The purpose of her visit was legislation, not exploration. Once the shuttle had made its landing and Joe stopped shaking, she looked up the law firm that represented Bubble Spotlight Studios. Thankfully it had a branch office in Dave-87, the mega-city that the couple arrived in. Maggie quietly booked a hotel room for the two of them and was about to ring the firm to make an appointment when security personnel asked her to enter a small side room on her way out of the starport. She complied and entered with Joe in tow to find a familiar face waiting for her.

Top of the morning, Miss Oh. Good to see you in such high spirits!

It was Oliver Millington, the regional director of the Supernatural Eviction Agency. His jolly, rounded, holographic avatar was flanked by two stone-faced troopers in uniforms matching AJs. Joe winced at this welcoming party, mostly because he didnt like Mr. Millington. In his mind, this pudgy pencil-pusher had taken advantage of Maggies straightforward and honest personality during their contract negotiations. The girl, on the other hand, didnt seem too bothered by this encounter. She wasnt exactly thrilled about it, either.

What is the purpose of this meeting, Mr. Millington? she asked flatly.

Nothing to get riled up about, my dear. All I ask is that you allow these two fine gentlemen to serve as your bodyguards for a little while.

I feel the need to point out that the only ones in this room that are in need of additional protection are your men.

Maggies cold smile made the two troopers visibly recoil and clutch their heads. Joe knew this reaction well. AJ used to do that a lot when she first started living with them, though it was never this pronounced. The most shed do whenever Maggies presence caught her off guard was to cringe and jerk her head, maybe twitch an eye. It was barely an inconvenience when compared to these two, who were acting like theyd just been blasted by a deafening, bone-shaking screech. Joe felt strangely proud that his friend was much better at handling Maggies extra-loud brain waves than these strangers.

I am well aware, Miss Oh, Oliver sighed, completely unaffected by his mens discomfort. Unfortunately, our protocols havent been expanded to account for beings in your position. Youre technically a visiting foreign dignitary, which means the government is required to provide you with an armed escort. Tis entirely a formality, I assure you. My assistant tells me youve already made arrangements in regards to your stay here, so these fine gentlemen will leave you to your business once theyve shown you to your lodgings.

I comprehend, Maggie reigned in her psychic pressure. In that case I shall comply.

Excellent, Mr. Millington beamed. Oh, and while I have the chance, I wish to offer my personal thanks for all your efforts. Your experiments on Agent Johanson have produced some riveting data indeed. In fact, Agent Barnes and Agent Kowalski here have volunteered to participate in our attempts to replicate those results.

The two psionics flanking the hologram looked at it with shock plastered on their faces. It was clear this was the first theyd heard about this. They clearly had some misgivings about being volunteered like this, but didnt get the chance to voice any complaints before Oliver flickered out of sight with a jolly Tah-tah! This was part of the process, of course. AJ unlocked her heightened abilities after cracking from severe physical and psychological stress, and it only seemed logical that these agents would have to suffer the same. Maggie caught onto the directors scheme and, as per her obligations, played her part during the strangely long and deathly silent car ride to her temporary abode. Nothing extreme, just a few subliminal images and implanted thoughts along the lines of those one-way winks she liked to do. By the time she parted ways with the two guinea pigs she had given them enough mental baggage to keep them up at night for the next month or so.

All of this went completely over Joes head, of course. The only thing he took away from all of that was that Oliver Millington was an even bigger prick than he initially gave him credit for. His mind rapidly moved on when he saw the hotel room Maggie had booked. It was essentially a deluxe version of his old apartment, which was to say it was an extra-large shoebox with two whole pods in it. It honestly felt rather nostalgic, in a good way. The only real issue was that he didnt have access to his extensive virtual library of games and shows. The stunted nature of interstellar communication made it impossible to relay digital information in real time, after all. He should have brought a data cache with all of his account details from Butterpond-4, but it didnt occur to him to prepare one until he was already jacked into the hotel rooms pod. Ultimately this meant hed have to spend nearly every waking moment with his girlfriend, which was hardly the worst thing.

Maggie, for her part, finally got around to making that call.

*Ring-ring*

*Click*

Hello, you have reached McLarsons McLawyers, a womans bored voice rang out in her head.

Hello. This is Mags Oh, from Butterpond-4. I received a notice from your firm regarding a potential copyright infringement involving my person. Are you familiar with this?

One moment while I check our systems, madam. Yeees, I see it. A clients media monitoring systems sent you an automated cease and desist on our behalf. It seems your personal appearance was deemed too similar to Melinda Sparklestars. To a significant degree at that.

Thats the one. I wish to dispute this claim.

There was a long, awkward pause as the woman on the other end of the line let those words sink in.

Excuse me, care to repeat that?

I wish to dispute this claim.

The one that says you look exactly like Melinda Sparklestar, whose appearance is the intellectual property of Bubble Spotlight Studios. That claim?

Yes.

I would strongly advise against that, madam. From what I see, youre clearly gene-modded, and theres no doubt as to the similarity. Its plainly obvious even to the naked eye.

I am aware. I wish to dispute the claim nonetheless, and as such demand a meeting with your legal team as soon as possible.

Wow. Oh, wow! Okay! she sounded strangely excited all of a sudden. Is later today at one past noon acceptable, Miss Oh?

It is.

Would you like us to provide transportation to and from our offices?

That would be appreciated.

Fantastic! What about lunch? We can provide seafood, barbecue, pizza, or would you prefer something more exotic? Our treat, of course.

This illogically generous hospitality struck Maggie as quite odd indeed, but she wasnt about to turn down a free meal.

Barbecue. Organic beef, preferably.

Excellent choice, madam. Ill finish making the arrangements on our end, and well see you at one!

Alright. Goodbye.

Bye!

*Click*

Maggie blinked rapidly as she tried and failed to make sense of the latter half of that conversation. She did not have much success, so she tried to consult her resident expert on humanity.

Yeah, I havent the foggiest, Joe shrugged. Maybe they feel like theyve got this one in the bag, so theyre being super cocky for no reason. You can never be too sure with bloody lawyers. Bunch of slime-balls, the lot of em.

The girl accurately ascertained he did not literally mean they were a collection of lubricated spheres and asked a different question instead.

Have you personally interacted with lawyers before?

Well no but Ive heard all sorts of things on the net and such, he confirmed her suspicions.

In that case I shall withhold judgement until I have more information.

The girl knew better than to assume things said online about a particular group of people was accurate. Unless it was part of an official study, lecture, or other scientific work, then such information was extremely likely to have been born of ignorance and prejudice. She had learned that particular lesson after coming across an article that alleged that all ginger-haired humans were highly vulnerable to ultraviolet light. Thankfully she was able to debunk this claim without permanently scarring AJ.

Probably for the best, Joe shrugged, but you should be wary nonetheless. Theres no such thing as a free lunch, you know?

Maggie reached into her coiling locks and pulled out a hard drive the size of her thumb. Ike wasted no time and practically snatched it from her fingers. He connected it to the offices computer and looked through its contents. It was filled with graphs, spreadsheets, notes, diagrams, essays, and reference materials. Both lawyers skimmed through a few of the files each. The information therein was formatted in an extremely boring and detached manner that went completely over their heads. What they were looking at was the result of Maggie compiling most of her recent experiences with humanity into raw data. She even added plenty of her deductions and theories regarding the human condition. If this treasure trove of information were to be peer reviewed, it would be considered useful at the least and revolutionary at the most.

The McLarson siblings were naturally incapable of judging the value of this data. They had no way of telling whether Maggie had slapped together a bunch of random numbers and technical gibberish she had pulled off of the internet. It also wasnt their job to do so. In fact, their opinion on the matter was completely irrelevant from a legal standpoint. The only reason Ike had asked for this evidence was to ensure that her guest could actually put up a fight in court. Otherwise it wouldve been an open and shut case, and no judge worth their gavel wanted to deal with one of those.

Bloody brilliant! the brother cheered. Madam, I do believe we have ourselves a trial!

And this is good news? Joe couldnt help but ask.

But of course, Mr. Mulligan, the sister beamed. We get to conduct an investigation, validate evidence, retrace digital footprints, call in witnesses to question and cross-examine - the works!

Do you think well get judge Locker again? her business partner asked excitedly. Its been far too long since Ive seen that old fart!

Oh, I certainly hope so. He does everything with such a classical flair. Ohhh, I cant wait! Quickly, lets get the formalities and bureaucracy out of the way and set up a court date!

On it like you wouldnt believe it!

As Joe and Maggie watched the two of them whip themselves up into a frenzy, it suddenly dawned on the couple exactly what was going on.

McLarsons McLawyers had been terribly McBored. It had been far too long since theyd done any actual lawyering. About two and a half years, to be specific. Their inactivity was a byproduct of having a judicial system that, much like the rest of their society, was largely automated. It was extremely rare for any case to reach a lawyers desk, let alone a courtroom. This was especially true for anything involving copyright law. The overwhelming majority of people in Maggies position would just roll over and comply with the copyright holders demands. It just wasnt worth the bother of trying to challenge such claims, primarily because theyd lose horribly ninety-nine out of a hundred times.

In short, the McLarson siblings were so desperate to seize this chance to put their law degrees to use that they couldnt help but come off as overly enthusiastic. That sort of attitude had its perks, at least. It took only about a week for them to conduct whatever investigations they could and schedule a date for the initial hearing. It all happened so fast that Maggie and Joe didnt even need to leave Lancaster-3 before they found themselves in court.

The chamber itself was, much like the law firms offices, relatively spacious yet also smaller than Joe imagined it would be. There was a raised podium for the judge, a desk immediately in front and below it for lesser court officials, another desk for each side in the case, and two rows of plain chairs in the back for any spectators. All of the available seats were taken by the time Maggie and Joe walked in, which surprised the couple. They couldnt fathom how their case wouldve garnered any sort of public attention, not to mention theyd arrived half an hour early.

It soon became evident that this turnout was yet another bizarre occurrence caused by the McBored factor, as Joe had jokingly started calling it. Indeed, it wasnt just the brother-sister combo that were thrilled to see a real trial. A number of their friends, family members, and peers had turned up to watch the proceedings like it was some theatrical presentation. The attitude among the spectators was therefore oddly bubbly and jovial. The staff, on the other hand, were positively brimming with excitement. This went double for the judge, who was quietly practicing lines and gavel swings in the other room where nobody but Maggie could see him. His full name and title were Senior Civil Adjudicator Barnes Locker, and he was an old, wrinkled, and wiry gent that could easily pass for a future version of Joe.

At exactly three past noon, the trial officially began with the judge making his grand entrance. He stoically went up to his podium and immediately slammed his gavel and called for order in the court. This was quite necessary given the noisy and casual atmosphere that would no doubt interfere with the proceedings if it was allowed to continue, though Locker rather enjoyed getting the chance to do that. He hid his glee wonderfully as he scanned both sides of the legal dispute. He ignored their formal attire and focused solely on their expressions. The McLarsons were clearly not as experienced with law as he was, given the way they struggled to keep those goofy grins off their faces. Maggie had that neutral smirk she normally bore, and Joe did as he did best and quietly went with the serious-but-not-really flow.

What followed were the initial formalities. An assistant to the judge stated the time, date, and case number of the trial for the record, after which the judge invited both sides to make their opening statements. It was a rehash of the pre-trial meeting, with the plaintiffs presenting a brief summary of the alleged copyright infringement while Maggie defended herself by claiming fair use for the purposes of research. Amy McLarson was then told to prove the validity of their sides argument, which she did splendidly by presenting all of the data shed been able to collect. This wasnt a criminal case, so her side hadnt been able to dig too deep into the private lives of Maggie and Joe. However, the private investigator she hired had returned from Butterpond-4 with quite a few relevant tidbits.

It was no surprise that the girl was quite popular around her neighborhood, especially on its message boards. Those online forums presented enough information for the investigator to discover and prove that Joe had received an anonymous donation on Maggies behalf during that video game tournament. Amy presented these findings along with a series of online comments that showed this wouldnt have happened if her virtual avatar didnt resemble Melinda Sparklestar so much. She then tried to spin this into saying that the girl had used her copyrighted appearance for personal gain, which would seriously undermine her fair use defence. The judge dismissed this argument outright, however.

That statement was stretched so thin I could floss my teeth with it, were his exact words.

Next up, the McLarsons called in their first witness - Mr. Charles, the store owner that Maggie got her pet snake from. They really were pulling out all the stops if they flew him out to another solar system for this hearing. The man was asked to describe the exact details of his one-time bartering agreement, which he did honestly and succinctly. However, Mr. Charles hesitated when asked if he would have offered Maggie that deal if she didnt look like Melinda Sparklestar. He admitted that her unique and eye-catching appearance was a major factor in his decision-making, but added that he had no idea who the actress in question was since he didnt watch soap operas.

Adjudicator Locker seemed more convinced by this attempt to discredit Maggies claims of non-profit than the previous one. Granted, that wasnt exactly a high hurdle, but it was a small win for the plaintiff side. Amy pressed the advantage by presenting a number of smaller incidents where various individuals showed the defendant leniency or favor purely because of her looks. She was leaning on this profiteering angle quite hard, and with good reason. The law firm had reached out to a few psychology experts to have them analyze the validity of Maggies research data. All of them had stated that the papers provided were practically bulletproof. No respectable man of science could dismiss her meticulously documented findings as fraudulent or frivolous. Convincing the judge that her experiment was a sham was impossible, so the McLarsons had no choice but to go all in on the financial aspects.

This approach seemed to backfire immensely, however. When the judge gave Maggie permission to speak, the girl rebuked all their accusations by revealing that appearance-based preferential treatment was a major focal point of her research. She had also reached out to some distinguished members of Lancaster-3s academic community, asking them to testify before the court as to the potential benefits of these experiments. She couldve done that herself, but her word carried far less weight than someone with decades of experience in the relevant field. The girl eventually settled on the witness who would have the most impact.

The one who spoke on her behalf was Haarfold Jik-Algetress mil Chun-Chun-Nyet, or just Harold to his friends. As his strange full name implied, he wasnt a local. However, Harold wasnt just a foreigner, but also a nonhuman sapient that hailed from the other end of the galaxy. His appearance was fully obscured by a puffy red-and-black personal environment suit, though its shape suggested he was a bulbous individual with three legs, three arms, and a pyramid-like head. He spoke in a silky, melodious tone as he professed his undying fascination with the human mind, which was also the reason why he chose to live among the residents of the Third British Empire. He then started practically singing the virtues of Maggies findings, declaring them brilliant, enlightening, intriguing, and strangely relatable. Harold finished his statement by declaring that to interrupt the girls ongoing experiments by forcing her to change her appearance would be a tremendous setback to the never-ending study of the mind.

The crowd practically applauded the sapient as he left the stand and hopped out of the chamber. None of them had actually seen an alien in person before, and this particular individual was so flamboyant that he caused a spectacle by his very presence. Granted, they hadnt actually laid eyes on him since that suit was in the way, but they werent too bothered by this technicality. The adjudicator had to call for order seven whole times before the small crowd finally settled down. Well, aside from one severely intoxicated individual who had to be forcibly removed from the courtroom since he wouldnt stop yelling gibberish about the illuminati.

The trials excitement levels took a massive plunge after that. The McLarsons and Maggie kept throwing smaller arguments and counter-arguments around as each side tried to either strengthen their case or undermine the oppositions. At some point the lawyer siblings tried cross-examining Joe with the intent of making him slip up and reveal something damning to his girlfriends case. However, the judge put a stop to that three minutes later by declaring that the man was an unreliable witness. This was a nice way of saying that he was deemed to have the intellectual capacity of an unpainted plank of synthetic wood, and that anything he said would only confuse the court.

Four and a half hours into the trial, the judge declared that he had heard enough and was ready to make a ruling. This announcement was met with a wave of subdued disappointment by most of the people in the room. They clearly wanted to enjoy the event for a bit longer. In truth, so did Adjudicator Locker, but he had already dragged this out for far too long. His mind had actually been made up for quite a while now and was starting to feel guilty for allowing this pointless discourse to continue.

Miss Oh, he turned to the girl, while the court recognizes the validity and value of your research, it is an indisputable fact that you have personally profited off of intellectual property belonging to Bubble Spotlight Studios without the owners knowledge or permission. You yourself have admitted as much. Whether this was or was not your goal or intent is irrelevant in the eyes of the law.

Your honor, the actual value of these so-called profits are effectively inconsequential, Maggie calmly pointed out. According to specifically subsection 12-E of article RH-0035 of the Imperial Intellectual Property Act, such gains must be in excess of-

The judge raised his hand, cutting her off.

Yes, I remember when you eloquently pointed this out not half an hour ago. However, the issue is not with what you have earned thus far, but with the potential profits you are poised to collect in the near future. As I understand the goals of your research, you intend to carry on as you have done until now. If I allow this to happen, I have no doubt this will lead to your currently meagre popularity growing rapidly, which will in turn lead to financial success that will put you over the limit stated in subsection 12-E of article RH-0035. The copyright owner can and will appeal my decision at this time, causing a retrial that they will win since your fair use defence will no longer be viable.

Locker was saying all this from a position of knowledge and experience. There was overwhelming precedent to support his reasoning. Thousands of similar cases across the 3BE that had turned out more or less exactly as he outlined, a few of which he had been directly involved with.

For the record, I personally sympathize with your plight and do not wish to take away the face that you and your partner have clearly grown fond of.

It wasnt just him that felt this way. Quite a few of the onlookers were rooting for the charming girl and all-around underdog to win.

However, as Adjudicator, I must remain impartial and set aside my feelings on the matter. I have therefore decided to save us all the headaches that come with an open-and-shut retrial and nip this one in the bud, as it were.

These people were naturally quite disappointed that such an upset clearly wasnt to happen. Even the lawyer siblings felt a bit bad about this turn of events, but their guilt was drowned out by the thrill of imminent victory. Joe was, understandably, the most upset and was already hanging his head low. As for Maggie, her confident smile did not waver in the slightest even though she was about to lose.

I understand, your honor, she nodded. Before you hand down a verdict, however, I wish to bring to your attention one final and rather vital piece of evidence.

The judge raised an eyebrow dubiously, but motioned for her to proceed. The girl stepped up to his podium and held out a thumb drive different from the one she was using to store her research data. Lockers eyes went wide as his implants notified him that the device bore the digital seal of Her Immortal Majestys armed forces. He hurriedly instructed his assistants to scan the drive and send the information contained therein to the personal monitor built into the judges podium. The man stared at the file he was presented with in utter disbelief, even going so far as to rub his eyes as if to make sure he was seeing things right.

Young lady, he looked back to her, still aghast. Why did you not tell us you were a diplomat sooner?

The color drained from the McLarsons faces as they grasped where this was going. Maggies British citizenship came with a diplomatic status that afforded her certain benefits, including protection from any and all civil lawsuits. She could still be taken to criminal court if she were to commit a felony, but this copyright issue was a trifling matter that could have instantly been thrown out of the proverbial window. She didnt have to fly to another solar system for a face-to-face with the studios legal representatives, nor did the case need to reach an actual courtroom. If she had just sent that military-signed thumb drive via courier from the start, then McLarsons McLawyers would have been McBuggered.

The judge, lawyers, assistants, and everyone else in the room who understood the situation were therefore left wondering the same thing - why hadnt she done that?

Because that would be no fun, she merrily declared.

Locker quietly pondered those words for a few seconds before cracking a smile.

Well, then. I suppose that settles that, doesnt it? he shrugged in an exaggerated manner. The court hereby recognizes the diplomatic status of the defendant and drops all charges against her. Bubble Spotlight Studios are hereby ordered to refrain from issuing any more cease and desist notices against Mags Oh until such time that her diplomatic status is revoked. Case dismissed!

He made three loud bangs with his gavel, officially declaring the trial over.

And for the record, he turned to Maggie once more, thanks for today. It was fun.

It was yet another sentiment nearly everyone present could agree with. Trials were few and far between, and none in recent memory had proven themselves as entertaining or exciting as this one. There were all kinds of witnesses, various evidence, heated arguments, an extravagant expert, and even a twist comeback right at the end. Maggies desire to personally experience the inner workings of the 3BEs judicial system had inadvertently led to giving all those people a show theyd scarcely forget. This, in turn, made her strangely happy. She discovered it felt good to give others joy, even though they were a bunch of strangers she couldnt care less about.

The only one who wasnt into the good vibes going around was Joe. He tried not to let it show so as to not ruin the mood for everyone else, but he was actually even more pissed off than Amy and Ike. Though he didnt have all the details, he grasped the gist of what had transpired. Namely, that Maggie could have handled this trouble with ease, but instead chose to try handling it the hard way just to see what would happen. That was fine. Such impractical curiosity was completely understandable and entirely expected of her. She had done similar things before and Joe had gotten swept up in her shenanigans more often than not. This trend would likely continue in future, too. He didnt mind this habit of hers since he trusted her to keep them both safe, not to mention that seeing Maggie happy made it all worth it in the end.

However, where Joe drew the line was having to put on a suit for no bloody reason.

He really didnt like suits.