CH 1

XY: It’s raining really hard here, it’s even thundering

XY: There is yogurt in the fridge, remember to eat it when you finish working out

XY: Are you going out these days? Don’t drink too much, there’s some stomach medicine in the second drawer of the right night stand in the bedroom

XY: Are you in bed? Then I’m also going to bed, goodnight

After sending the messages and waiting ten minutes with no response, Xu Yan rubbed his eyes. He was so tired he felt like he was about to die. Recently, Xu Yan has been on a business trip; the contract negotiation was so time and energy-consuming that once he returned to the hotel, he was aching all over as he lay on the bed. His whole body felt like it was folded in half. Dizzy and exhausted, he couldn’t even move a finger, simply closing his eyes and never wanting to wake back up.

The lights started to blur just when he was about to fall asleep. Xu Yan’s eyelashes fluttered as he closed his eyes. Coincidentally, his cell phone rang, and the ringtone was loud because it was close to his ear. Xu Yan jumped, looking for his phone. Squinting his eyes, he looked at the face of his phone. It displayed a "1" over the unread message icon; Xu Yan didn’t even bother responding because Shen Zhi only responded with an "ok."

There was no way of knowing what the "ok" text was referring to. The rain? The yogurt? Don’t drink too much? Goodnight? Regardless, it’s just an "ok." At least this was Xu Yan’s daily one-sided conversation where the ‘read’ box is ticked off. Xu Yan stared at the "ok" text. He didn’t click into the app or lock his phone. Holding the phone in his hand, he suddenly felt the urge to respond to Shen Zhi: I’m so tired these days that I’ve been away, I missed you a lot, and I want to hurry back.

But whatever, he can’t send it. Shen Zhi wouldn’t bother with Xu Yan’s negativity. Don’t even think about comforting words; he’ll probably think it’s bothersome. There won’t be a response either; inciting a conversation will only lead to disappointment, and Xue Yan understood that.

Yet he still clicked into their text conversation. Scrolling up, the green text filled his screen. Not only was there a lot, but it was also long; there wasn’t a lot of white text, and it was short – "ok", "yea", "understood", "busy", "no thanks", "busy", "whichever". If these conversations were to be posted on the internet, no matter how you look at it, it would be self-cultivating simp behavior. The netizens would only comment to give you a reality check. The original poster of these forum posts would cause a lot of dislike in the community, always coming back with the "But I really like him" or "I really can’t let him go" infatuation talk. In the end, it only leaves angry netizens.

But Xu Yan’s circumstances are a bit special – He’s been with Shen Zhi for four years and lived with him for two. And this particular circumstance is what makes netizens give up.

His eyes were getting tired, so Xu Yan turned off his phone. After staring at the ceiling lights motionless as if he were dead, Xu Yan suddenly smiled – He’s going home tomorrow, and it’s Shen Zhi’s birthday.

In the past, Shen Zhi often told Xu Yan, who would send gifts and cake, that he did not celebrate his birthday. But Xu Yan remembered, so he planned to return home to cook a meal for both of them to enjoy. If Shen Zhi has a social outing, he would make a late-night snack. Because of this meal, Xu Yan changed his ticket, so he returned a day earlier than the original date. Once he’s off work, he can rush home and prepare dinner.

Xu Yan was not someone who chased a sense of form. He just wanted to be someone there during the special moments, becoming involved to increase his existence in Shen Zhi’s life. Even though this sounds pretty annoying, thinking about it, this was more of a tragedy – all these years being together, yet only doing these acts to refresh one’s existence.

Upon leaving the airport, Xu Yan remembered that there were no fresh vegetables at home. So he instructed the driver to head to the supermarket and buy some vegetables and daily necessities. On top of that, with the business luggage, he looked like a refugee. After getting out of the car, Xu Yan struggled to open the gate and walked past the white champaca. He saw the bright lights in the living room, and the curtains were also not closed. On the sofa sat quite a few people – quite the contrary to Xu Yan.

If it weren’t for him standing at his door, Xu Yan would’ve mistaken this as a banquet. Everyone inside had high spirits, raising their wine glasses pretentiously. This scene before him was like a picture of the upper class coming to life.

Even if this was a simple banquet, the cake and gifts on the tables were too obvious. Shen Zhi’s "I don’t celebrate my birthday" and cheery demeanor under the lights caused Xu Yan, standing under the dark sky, to feel dazed. It felt like the people inside the house and himself came from two different worlds.

Xu Yan never felt like he wasn’t worthy of Shen Zhi. At most he just felt like they were on different wavelengths, their feelings not always on the same page, which he understood. But right now, the scene in front of him, exacerbated by the bright living room lights, made Xu Yan’s reality clear.

He raised his head, took a deep breath, and walked towards the door. Afraid of crushing the vegetables, Xu Yan put his bag on the ground, unlocked the door and walked in. The living room immediately became quiet, and Xu Yan felt like he had just entered a bitter scene from a TV drama – The good-looking young master and his wealthy friends having a gathering, the door opened, and the gray-faced wretched-looking wife suddenly appeared, vegetables in hand.

"Oh, there’s guests." Xu Yan smiled, "Apologies for the interruption."

Shen Zhi furrowed his brows, and Xu Yan suddenly felt tired. He was on a business trip for so many days, working nonstop, changing the flight to the nearest return date, then going to the grocery store and rushing home. In the end, he crashed a party that didn’t even he didn’t even deserve to be a part of.

Xu Yan placed the shopping bags at the entrance, "No worries, please continue." He turned and closed the door, picked up his luggage, leaned against the wall to take out a cigarette, and lit it. He could imagine what the living room looked like, a bunch of educated sons and daughters who felt too awkward to open their mouths to say anything, only to exchange glances; then someone would raise their glass and break the silence.

Not long after, Shen Zhi opened the door and came out. The gate cracked open, leaking in a ray of warm golden light. Part of Shen Zhi’s face was illuminated. Shen Zhi glanced at him sideways, "It’s cold outside, you’re not wearing much. You should head back in."

"Why are you throwing a temper?" His shirt swayed slightly in the evening breeze. Shen Zhi’s eyes were dark, and his expression turned cold, "You came home suddenly and didn’t tell me, and now you’re giving an attitude."

Before he could even say anything, he got interrogated, and all the words were stuck in his throat. Xu Yan stared at Shen Zhi, suddenly feeling like everything was hard to talk about. This was their home, yet he had to give a heads-up if he wanted to come back. 

After a while in silence, Xu Yan looked away and stepped on the cigarette he threw on the ground, calmly saying, "Not at all, I was simply afraid you guys would see me upset. I’ll stay outside for a bit."

Shen Zhi might be a bit drunk. He stepped over the luggage and stood in front of Xu Yan. Looking down, he said in a deep tone, "Why are you always doing whatever you want, wherever you want?"

Xu Yan was taken aback by the question, thinking he may really have been reckless in front of people and not thought about the consequences.

"This is just how I am, and you know that." Xu Yan laughed at himself, "Stop wasting your time here, go host your friends. It’s cold out." He even straightened Shen Zhi’s collar, who looked down to see the back of Xu Yan’s hand red from the cold.

Xu Yan forgot how long he stayed outside, but it wasn’t long because the gathering ended early. He felt ridiculous, standing outside his own home like an outsider in the cold and waiting for the gathering to be over – The truth is, he could've gone upstairs, but he didn’t want to, nor did he know why. He didn’t feel like stepping foot in the house.

After everyone left, a guest brushed past Xu Yan and politely said, "Shen Zhi’s drunk. Please take good care of him."

"Of course." Xu Yan smiled, taking his luggage inside. Shen Zhi was indeed drunk, leaning on the sofa and pulling on his lashes. He watched Xu Yan’s emotionless face throwing the unfinished food, wine, cups, cake and sweets into a garbage bag before tossing it outside.

"Go upstairs and sleep." Xu Yan bent forward to untie Shen Zhi’s tie, "Don’t sit here."

Shen Zhi looked up with his slightly reddish eyes from the alcohol, reaching out and holding Xu Yan’s hand on his tie. His palm was very hot, and when it covered the back of Xu Yan’s cold hand, Xu Yan suddenly didn’t feel anything.

"Am I cheap?" Xu Yan leaned closer to Shen Zhi, staring at him. Xu Yan didn’t know if he was asking himself or Shen Zhi, "Do you think that no matter how you treat me, I won’t leave you?"

Even though Shen Zhi wasn’t sober enough to understand what Xu Yan was saying, all he knew was that Xu Yan was very close to him. So he raised his chin and pressed it onto Xu Yan’s colder lips. Xu Yan wasn’t desperate enough to get swayed by a drunk’s kiss, so he moved Shen Zhi’s hand away. As he was about to get up, Shen Zhi held onto the back of Xu Yan’s neck and pressed down, kissing deeper.

Xu Yan accepted his fate and bent his knees between Shen Zhi’s legs. He opened his eyes and cooperated with Shen Zhi, finishing a long kiss that smelled like alcohol.

After they were done, only Shen Zhi was breathless, his fingertips gently rubbing the back of Xu Yan’s neck, not saying a word.

Nevermind.

Xu Yan lowered his forehead and whispered, "Happy birthday."