CH 3

These days Xu Yan has been in a good mood – He’s about to resign. He brought it up a month ago, blindly resigning is not the smartest decision, but it wasn’t like he couldn’t find another job. He just really wanted to take a break and just do something; staying at home, going out on vacation, taking photographs outside. Speaking of which, he hasn’t touched a camera in a very long time; thinking back to his university days, he was a well-known photographer…

University huh, he graduated more than two years ago now and he has known Shen Zhi for six years.

Xu Yan was in the literature department, and Shen Zhi was in the social science department. When Shen Zhi was a freshman, he already made a name for himself – because he both had good grades and good looks. At the time, Xu Yan was in disdain, in the sea of freshmen, there had to be some handsome men, he was also handsome ok?

During military training, everyone was worried about being sunburnt, keeping the brim of their hats low. Xu Yan was puzzled that he could not find Shen Zhi’s figure amongst the other grimy figures. It wasn’t until after that he realised he never found Shen Zhi not because Shen Zhi had the same grimy figure as the others; but because he never ran into him – Once he met him, Xu Yan was bound to be able to recognize him from a glance.

Tall, pale, uptight, with long legs, and wide shoulders, the brim of his hat lowered over his eyes, a refined lower half face showing. Other people wore camouflage for military training, he wore it as if he was doing it for a photoshoot. He was handsome and noble looking as if there were four words written on his body: Do not touch me.

Hence, Xu Yan paid a lot of attention to the university’s official social accounts, and there was a column on freshman military training in the daily tweet. The seniors of the school media were all pests, and they tried to nag Shen Zhi into photoshoots. Front, upwards, sideways, and close-up full body shot. They had no hesitation in using the handsome guy to get more viewership… This also led Xu Yan to be interested.

Especially later during basketball games, Xu Yan saw Shen Zhi’s calm appearance, he was reserved even when they won. When the entire stadium was full of cheers, he was the only one who was cool and untouchable. Sweating and breathing slightly heavily, under his teammates' hugs and shoulder bumps he only smiled faintly. That basketball game produced a very high-quality picture – A glance from Shen Zhi as he dribbled the ball. The uniform, sweat, gaze, jaw, shoulder, and clear eyebrows of an eighteen-year-old among the melting crowd.

The photo was taken by the photography club’s Xu Yan.

No matter how long it has been, Xu Yan still remembers the moment. The auditorium was so rowdy, the entire ceiling seemed like it was going to collapse. He held onto his single-lense reflex (SLR) camera, looking into the viewfinder trying to chase a silhouette. Suddenly, when the figure paused, at half a court’s distance a dark gaze passed over. It was a short one-second – maybe even less than a second. But Xu Yan felt like that moment was forever, the entire stadium went quiet and the space became nothing. They stared at each other through the viewfinder, and it was so quiet that Xu Yan could hear his heartbeat.

When he pressed the shutter button, Xu Yan's fingers almost slipped; and when he put down the SLR and left the narrow world in the viewfinder, everything went back to normal, the cheers were deafening; Shen Zhi scored and the whole court screamed.

Later, the picture had hundreds of thousands of views on the photography club’s public account, and the photo had to get the consent of all members of the basketball team. Xu Yan looked at the end of the article – Photo: Xu Yan. He wondered if Shen Zhi would read the tweet, whether he would notice the name of the photographer; and whether Shen Zhi would remember Xu Yan.

The answer is no, probably not. But Xu Yan didn't care, at least now Shen Zhi has to remember him.

"Look." Xu Yan carried the SLR into the closet, and Shen Zhi was putting on a coat. Xu Yan happily said, "I haven't taken photos in a long time."

Shen Zhi glanced at his hand, paused, and said, "You don't have that much time.”

"Soon, I'll quit in a few days..."

"It's getting late." Shen Zhi didn't seem to be listening, got dressed, and looking at his watch. He brushed past Xu Yan's shoulder and walked out, "We should head out."

Xu Yan stared at the camera for a while with his lips pursed, then he put it on the cabinet and went out of the closet. The two went downstairs together, Xu Yan put his hands in his coat pockets, "When I was in college, a lot of people asked me to take their pictures, and they all said that the photos were very good." He wanted to say that the best shot was you, but unfortunately, he didn't have a chance to take a set for Shen Zhi.

A phone buzzed, and Shen Zhi unlocked it and flipped through the message. He stared at the screen and scowled slightly. It was unknown whether it was because of the content of the message or Xu Yan's words, then replied coldly, “None of my business.”

When he said this, Xu Yan was reaching out to open the door. The cold wind was blowing in his face. There was no sun today, and the cumulus clouds were gloomy. Xu Yan raised his eyes to look at a sparrow flying in the air as if he hadn't heard Shen Zhi's words — in fact he heard it, after all, it was Shen Zhi's words.

The driver was already waiting outside, Shen Zhi walked a few steps and noticed that Xu Yan did not follow. He turned around and asked Xu Yan, “Aren’t you coming?”

Xu Yan slowly looked at him, smiled, and said, "I forgot to grab something, you go first."

Shen Zhi then turned around and walked forward – their two companies happen to be in the opposite direction, so there was no precedent for going to work together, and there was no need.

At noon, Xu Yan smoked on the company terrace. He didn't smoke often because Shen Zhi didn't like it. But today he didn't want to endure it. There are less than two months left before they will celebrate the New Year, and Xu Yan suddenly feels a little homesick. When he first came here to study in college, he wanted to go home after graduation. But he didn't expect to meet Shen Zhi, get together, and live together. Xu Yan came out of the closet with his family and had a fallout.

He came out of the closet on his own, Shen Zhi didn't know at all – he was not interested in knowing. His father slapped him and dared him to ever come back home; his mother was crying; and his younger brother Xu Nian, who was one year younger than him, simply did not speak. Xu Yan thinks about it now, at that time, he was really brave and ruthless. For an ambiguous relationship, he had hurt the ones close to him, saying that he was in love.

The most intriguing thing is here – the ambiguous feelings of the past are still the same, and they have not changed.

In college, Xu Yan would go home for the New Year. And two years after the graduation fallout, Shen Zhi went home, while Xu Yan went out to celebrate New Year's with friends. He didn’t feel lonely, but now that he thought about it, he felt like there was something wrong. It's just that there are too many 'wrongs' between them, and this is nothing.

How about going home for the year? Xu Yan smoked a cigarette, looked at the gray sky, and suddenly had a thought. He didn’t know what Shen Zhi's arrangements are for this year’s Chinese New Year's Eve. Will he suddenly want to celebrate New Year's Eve with Xu Yan? The possibility is too small, but he should just wait and observe, in case... in case something happens. Xu Yan laughed self-deprecatingly; he always had these illusions.

In the afternoon, Xu Yan sent Shen Zhi a WeChat message, telling him that he had to work overtime today and could not make dinner tonight. Shen Zhi replied with an "ok" after an hour as usual. There was nothing else, and Xu Yan was used to it. After thinking about it, he asked again: Are you eating out tonight?

This time the response was quite fast. Shen Zhi: Yea.

Shen Zhi often had events going on, like banquets or dinners; and often returned late. But Xu Yan never doubted what he was doing – according to Shen Zhi's personality, if he wanted to get with others, he would be too lazy to keep it a secret from Xu Yan. And he would kick him to the curb before getting with somebody that he would be satisfied with.

Xu Yan: Then don’t drink too much, I will broil some hangover soup when I come back.

Shen Zhi: Alright.

Just simple conversations like this made Xu Yan happy. He sent a slightly silly emoji over, and sure enough, Shen Zhi ignored him.