Volume 7 - CH 10

Sasaki-kun was asking Wataru to give him genuine advice. Wataru argued that he was being serious with what he said, but Sasaki-kun just dropped his shoulders in defeat at that. The way he muttered his exhausted ‘I see…’ felt so real and relatable. It seems like he at least understood what Wataru was talking about when talking about his sister.

‘Well…that’s only the second part.’

Sasaki-kun stood up and gave Wataru another serious look. Receiving this, Wataru rolled the jelly around in his hands and answered.

‘Seems like you didn’t just accept Saitou-san on the spot, huh? Honestly, I’m impressed. I really thought you were gonna piss me off.’

‘We’re not even dating yet, so yeah.’

‘What? You aren’t? But you were getting along so well in the classroom.’

‘That was just…’ Sasaki-kun grew silent.

I had the same question as Wataru. If Sasaki-kun received the confession this afternoon, then they must have been aware of each other when they talked in the classroom after all of the clean-up was done. If they could act this naturally in each other’s presence, then it should be expected that Sasaki-kun accepted the confession. And, I’m also curious about Wataru’s words. He made it sound like Sasaki-kun and Saitou-san dating would be a bad thing. I don’t think he was just speaking in terms of resenting Sasaki-kun as a lucky guy. I couldn’t explain it, but it made the inside of my chest feel cold.

‘…I asked if I could put my answer on hold. That I wanted some time to think about it…’

“Huh…?”

Sasaki-kun’s words left me shocked. Confessing your feelings to the person you like must take immeasurable amounts of courage. To that person, it might be the most important words they could ever say. And he…put it on hold? He doesn’t even know if he’s gonna accept. Maybe he’ll even so no after all of that. No doubt the person who confessed is gonna be terrified of that until they get a definitive answer. Not to mention that they still acted naturally around each other in the classroom. Maybe it was at least easier than during the actual scene of the confession.

Thinking of Saitou-san made my chest tighten up. For the first time, I found myself disagreeing, possibly even resenting Sasaki-kun. However, when I looked at his face, and the way his expression emitted genuine care, that heat immediately subsided. Why is he making that kind of face right now?

“…”

Kei was still silent. Since I stood above her, I had no way of confirming her expression. She definitely wasn’t asleep, so she was probably focussing everything on their conversation.

‘…Huh.’

Wataru simply leaned backward. He wasn’t rejecting Sasaki-kun at all. If anything, it sounded like he accepted something. I knew from that alone that he wasn’t joking around in the slightest. Maybe there’s something special going on behind the scenes? In the end, only Sasaki-kun knows and understands how he truly feels. No matter how I may assume, I can’t just jump out in front of them. Wataru and Kei, too. All we can do is listen.

‘First, why didn’t you shut her down? Start from there. Honestly, even keeping on hold is something I didn’t expect.’

‘…’

“…”

There’s a reason Wataru is saying that. The way he phrased it so confidently, and seeing Sasaki-kun’s reaction, I was sure of it. They share something that only the two know about. And for some reason, I felt a bit jealous, even though I have Kei myself.

‘After all, you should still—’

‘Sajou, it’s okay.’

‘…What?’

‘It’s over. No more of that.’

‘Are you serious?’

Wataru’s second response was much sharper than before. He looked at Sasaki-kun in utter disbelief. I don’t think he’s angry at least, but he must have a reason to be this baffled.

‘…Why? Did you confess without telling me and got—’

‘No, I didn’t confess.’

‘…’

Wataru shrugged his shoulders. It seemed like he didn’t really know how to react. And once again, the word “confession” popped up. Plus, this doesn’t seem to be about Sasaki-kun and Saitou-san either. They’re talking about a different girl. Apparently, he liked another girl a long time ago, even before Saitou-san confessed to him, but he has already given up.

“…Aichi.”

“I’m okay. I just need to get a bit of rest.”

I moved away from the wall and sat down behind Kei. Without even meaning to, I embraced my knees, as if to protect myself. Why? Because I had a familiar sensation before.

‘And you can move on…just like that?’

‘Sure can.’

‘I confessed to Natsukawa more times than I can count. And it still didn’t work out. That’s why I’ve accepted it and the current relationship we have.’

“…?!”

Hearing my name pop up made my heart jump. Right now, Wataru was definitely speaking what he truly felt. When we ran into that female friend of his from middle school, he declared our relationship to be over. However, I didn’t think that incorporated what Wataru felt. Hearing that, I didn’t feel at peace or relief, because I didn’t think we could just start fresh after everything had ended. And that’s all because the days I kept on rejecting Wataru may have left scars in his heart that have yet to heal.

And yet, he interacted with me as if nothing happened. That’s why I was scared to think about it. Since all I did was push him away, there were too many things I didn’t know about him. He may have seemed normal on the outside, but what if he was screaming on the inside? I didn’t have the courage to step over the line and truly go beyond that facade. And yet, Wataru accepted that. That reality made it feel like I was stabbed by thorns deep inside of my heart. I felt a sharp pain, one that I knew I should never forget.

‘I don’t think I would have been able to accept giving up without ever telling her. And I don’t think you can either.’

‘…Then maybe you should think about what makes us two different.’

‘What makes us different…?’

‘Did you have a rival back then? Someone who had liked Natsukawa much longer than you, someone who cared more for her than you did? At the very least, I’ve been watching such a guy since the day I enrolled at this school.’

‘Grk…!’

Wataru couldn’t hide his bewilderment. And when I glanced at him, I saw his face as red as a tomato. It even made me blush. Back then, Wataru sweet-talked me on every occasion. The current Wataru can’t even be compared to that. Thankfully, nobody saw me so I could flap my hands at my face.

‘That’s how it is. That’s how we’re different. And in my case, I realized that there was no chance for me to get between that.’

‘But that’s not—’

‘It’s true. Since I felt that way, it’s just what it is. You don’t need to tell me anything. And that’s why I’ve accepted it and moved on.’

‘…’

It’s a bit embarrassing to say, but he’s right. Wataru’s love and Sasaki-kun’s love are different. There’s no correct way to get over someone. And this person Sasaki-kun liked before will most likely be treasured by this love rival of his, and possibly even respond to their feelings.

‘So? You got something to complain about?’ Sasaki-kun asked.

‘…I do, but no.’

‘Which is it?!’

Wataru’s vague response had Sasaki-kun burst out laughing as he slapped him on his shoulder. Even though Sasaki-kun was the one who asked for advice, it almost felt like Wataru was the one being cheered up.

“—And? Can you accept it, Aichi?”

“…Huh?”

“What’s going on between you and Sajocchi.”

“…”

Kei turned around, still on all fours, and asked me that with a faint voice. I’m sure she’s got her own thoughts about what those two are talking about. She’s watched me and Wataru from up close, after all. And I already have my answer—I can’t accept it. Of course, the origin of everything is my contrary personality. Back then, I didn’t know why I was so bewildered and confused, but now I get it. It’s because I was never looking at Wataru. It wouldn’t have been weird for Wataru to fall out of love with me the very next day. Even though I aggressively rejected him, I reached out for his back whenever he showed signs of walking away. It’s all coming down to me being selfish.

And…that hasn’t changed. I don’t think I could pull back my hand today. Once I had reached him, his back felt so warm and inviting, and its sensation too stimulating for me to forget.

“…”

“—Heh, I see.”

I shook my head while feeling flustered, to which Kei showed a joyful grin. I looked over at Wataru again, who was munching on the jelly he got from Sasaki-kun. Once he closed his mouth, the conversation continued.

‘Anyway, I get what happened. And the reason you put Saitou-san’s response on hold is probably related to that. That’s gotta be it. I’m a clever boy, I figure these things out.’

‘Why are you so fixated on that…Well, you’re not wrong.’

Despite the conversation being serious for most of its part, Wataru now began to joke around again. Looking close, his right hand moved to the back of his hand. It became clear that he was once again trying to hide something. Maybe he feels embarrassed…Just like I do? Sasaki-kun sighed and turned his face to evade the sunshine coming in from the west. At the same time, I could see Wataru’s body relax as the strength left him. I wonder why I feel the same way right now.

‘I don’t know how you’re feeling…but just because I’ve given up doesn’t mean that my feelings for her have disappeared.’ Sasaki-kun said.

‘Huh…?’

‘I didn’t give up because I don’t love her anymore. It’s a different reason altogether. That’s why, falling in love with someone else was something I thought wouldn’t happen for a long time. Or rather, I do feel that way right now.’

‘…Hold on.’

Wataru inspected Sasaki-kun and his expression and lowered his head like he was chewing on a bug. It almost seemed like he couldn’t even listen to another word. His expression looked like he was suffering from pain, which made me hesitate to guess what he was feeling right now. Wataru and Sasaki-kun probably both have similar feelings in that regard. And when I realized that, I felt happy, but my chest tightened up at the same time.

‘It was the same when Saitou-san asked me to meet her. Considering what kind of event was happening right now, I could somewhat guess what she was going to do. I knew I was being far too self-conscious, but I still felt happy, got my hopes up…and yet thought about how to reject her.’

‘…’

‘Why’d you go quiet? Well, I’m just the worst, right?’

‘Even if you had no intention of going out, it’s something that boys will get happy over.’

‘You’re gross.’

‘I’ll kill you.’

They exchanged a few harsh words. However, there didn’t seem much hostility between them. Rather, Sasaki-kun showed a self-deprecating expression as he was insulting Wataru. Like he was hoping somebody would scold him. When logic and emotion clash, you’ve got two sides of the same person that contract themselves. You feel limited, like you’re being strangled by these two. Your rational self simply wishes it could give in to your emotions and let things happen. I remember feeling something similar before. It didn’t feel like calling boys ‘the worst’ and limiting it to just them. Because I felt like I had done something similar.

‘However…because of Saitou-san’s genuine words and passionate gaze, that plan of mine changed.’

‘Uh-huh?’

‘Her hands, legs, eyes, everything was shaking. Even so, she mustered up her courage to tell me. Why she fell in love with me, what she wants us to be.’

‘…’

‘She said she had no confidence in herself and in this, and that she was bad at this sort of stuff. But, she said that her feelings for me wouldn’t lose to anybody’s—’

‘H-Hold on a second. Stop, stop, stop , stop!’

‘What do you want?’

‘Are you kidding me?’

Wataru’s mouth twitched like he ate spicy food, as he frantically stopped Sasaki-kun from continuing. Personally, I was thankful for that. I needed even a moment of rest. My heart wouldn’t stop racing. And when I looked down, I saw Kei blushing all the same. Because of Sasaski-kun’s vivid explanation, I could easily imagine Saitou-san like that. I’m not as close to her as Kei, but I had the urge to just embrace Saitou-san. Have her prepare some tea and snacks as we have a good laugh together with Kei. Actually, should Wataru even be hearing about this?

‘You remember it pretty clearly despite not giving an OK, huh? The heck is your plan? Bragging? That’s the biggest offense to me, you know?’

‘No, just let me finish.’

‘God…What is this, some new kind of torture? What else do you want from me…’

Wataru looked like he was close to breaking out in tears, which made my heart rate spike. Any rational person would listen to Sasaki-kun’s love story, and yet Wataru seemed as if he was suffering. Is this the difference in gender? If I sat there, I’d probably ask question after question.

‘I know I may be suffering from a heartbreak right now, but there’s no doubt that Saitou-san’s genuine feelings shook my entire being.’

‘I see.’

‘I was happy. Knowing that there was someone who cared for me this much.’

‘Right.’

‘But…that doesn’t mean that Saitou-san suddenly became someone special to me.’

‘Are you shitting me?’

‘You get what I mean, right?’

‘How the hell would I?! Oh, I’m so sorry that I, Mr. Unpopular, was never confessed to before!’

“S-Sajocchi…” Kei began her fake weeping.

And I don’t blame her, that one statement from Wataru was just too much to handle. And at the same time, a sense of urgency filled my body. Since I never properly looked at Wataru, all of his words just stabbed me into my ears and my chest.

‘But even so…I don’t want to hurt her, and I want to support her to the best of my ability.’

‘Then just go out with her?’

‘It’s not that easy. She gave me such a heartfelt confession, so how could I just go out with her without having any feelings for her?’

‘…And that’s why you put it on hold?’

‘…’

Wataru’s voice and words sounded like he was tired of this whole conversation, as Sasaki-kun nodded along in silence. Wataru lowered his eyebrows, seemingly at a loss for words. Why is he that ill-spirited during a serious problem like this…?

‘And that’s why you came to ask me for advice? Man, your decision-making is the worst I’ve ever seen.’

‘You’re the only guy with any sort of experience in that regard!’

‘My experience is getting rejected more times than I can count. Why would you choose the absolute loser…’

‘Even so, you’re being genuine here, right? So, please.’

‘You are just…’

I had to get my breathing under control. I had no intention of lying when rejecting Wataru all this time, but when I saw him talk in such a self-deprecating manner, I could feel strong guilt rise up from deep inside my gut. I grit my teeth and continued to listen when Kei looked up at me.

“Aichi…how do you feel?”

“If possible…I want him to be with Saitou-san…”

“I figured as much…”

Maybe it’s because I’m a girl myself, but I have this urge to support her, wishing for her happiness. However, Sasaki-kun held no feelings for her…and even if he agreed to go out with her, he’d be forced to hide this fact. At this rate, Saitou-san won’t become happy. I don’t even know who Sasaki-kun’s current love is, anyway. However, he reached out to Wataru in order to do something about that. Sasaki-kun is probably a lot more desperate than Wataru thinks.

Sasaki-kun still isn’t over his current love, when suddenly Saitou-san came in to confess. He wanted to reject her, but something about her confession shook him to his core, and he found himself wanting to respond to her feelings. However, this was all too soon for him, not allowing him to see Saitou-san as someone special. In short, it was all simply bad timing. And accepting her during such a situation would be rude to the person in question—is what Sasaki-kun thinks.

It’s truly a complicated problem. Be it Sasaki-kun or Saitou-san, nothing can be resolved by simply cheering for them. What is Wataru gonna do? If possible…I want him to help them.

‘…’

A sigh escaped Wataru’s lips as he looked up at the ceiling, seemingly starting to think. But compared to us, his expression didn’t seem too serious. It’s like he was thinking about what he ate for yesterday’s dinner. Maybe he simply didn’t care too much, after all? What if…What if Wataru’s concept of love had become mundane to him? And who would be the one who had stolen this from him? I didn’t even have to think about that. The sadness of not having your feelings validated by the person you like is something I painfully understood just by watching Sasaki-kun. So, did Wataru turn into me? Into who I was back then? The thorns inside my heart disappeared, but the pain wouldn’t stop.

‘—You just gotta go out with her, dimwit.’

Wataru’s voice reaching my ears was devoid of hesitation but also seriousness. I wanted Sasaki-kun and Saitou-san to be happy, but just as Sasaki-kun stated, I didn’t think it was right for him to just accept without harboring any feelings for her. It should have been such a complicated problem—and yet Wataru made it sound so simple.

“…”

“…”

I bit my lower lip. Wataru’s single statement had even me and Kei silent. I don’t even know the exact reason why. Was I feeling disappointed that he wasn’t taking Sasaki-kun’s problem seriously, or was it his answer towards Sasaki-kun and the fact he had no romantic feelings for Saitou-san that hurt me this much? Both Kei and I wished for them to be together, and yet now that the answer was in front of us, there was something we couldn’t accept about it.

‘Wha…?! Were you even listening to me?! I don’t see Saitou-san as a romantic interest yet!’

‘So what? That’s perfectly normal.’

‘……What?’

“Huh…?”

Wataru didn’t even hesitate a second. I thought this was practically unsolvable, and yet Wataru acted like he was solving the simplest of math problems. His response made something click in my head. Surely, Wataru had a solidified image of love in his mind. And by comparing this image with Sasaki-kun’s problem, he reached a simple answer like that. That’s why he didn’t give it much thought. My feelings of disagreement were all cast away, as I grew curious about Wataru’s thoughts. It was a world I didn’t know about. It’s a world that passed me by, a world I didn’t reach for. If I don’t use this chance now, I might never fully grasp it.

‘Let me give you a general example. How many couples do you think exist in this world that began with mutual feelings?’

‘Mutual…feelings…?’

‘Yep. Mutual feelings.’

Mutual feelings, namely the complete shape of love. In the eyes of the people in this world, it’s probably the one goal to achieve when love is involved. However, all I did was hold admiration for it, never thinking too deeply about it.

‘If I had to say…not too many?’

‘Right?’

It felt like the puzzle came together. In my mind, I was always thinking that a couple should always be born out of mutual feelings. I saw it as something natural, never to be questioned. But if that really was the case, then the path to love would be far too hard to accomplish.

‘A confession is basically like a wish. You lower your head, asking the other person to go out with you. You wish for the both of you to become a couple. You do that because you’re thinking that your feelings are one-sided, right?’

‘B-But…there are times when the feelings are mutual, right?’

‘That’s just when you had hopes that maybe it’s mutual after all. If you knew that you two shared the same feelings, then you wouldn’t need any courage when confessing, and it’d all be over and done with a simple “Should we go out?” at best. It’s just a process leading up to becoming a couple. It’s completely normal, as well as the fact that you see Saitou-san as a regular girl.’

‘…!’

Sasaki-kun seemed like he wanted to say something, but in the end, he could only open and close his mouth like a fish. He probably didn’t find anything to counter that statement with. He didn’t seem like he could accept that answer in the slightest. After he blinked a few times, he finally opened his mouth to speak up.

‘And because that’s common sense…you’re telling me to go out with her? She mustered up her courage, confessed to me while shaking from head to toe…and I’m supposed to say yes because that’s what the statistics say?’

‘Hey now, I didn’t say that.’

‘You clearly did!’

‘Champ…I thought you were asking me for advice? Or do you wanna cut it off here?’

Sasaki-kun’s voice was filled with fury. And yet, Wataru remained as calm as always, grabbed Sasaki-kun’s shoulder, and said ‘Just listen.’ Since Sasaki-kun was genuinely moved by Saitou-san’s confession, he probably didn’t want to waste all her effort by giving a half-baked answer. In fact, I even felt a bit of loneliness. Is Wataru’s idea of love nothing but a stack of values dictated by logic?

‘I got the feeling you’ve got the wrong idea here, so let me clarify. I’m on the same side as Saitou-san. I’m not speaking with the feelings of someone who was confessed to, and I couldn’t do that if I wanted to.’

‘Same side as Saitou-san…? You were speaking from her position?’

‘That’s right. When you’re the one confessing, you’re basically starting a wager. If the other person agrees to go out with you, you win. If they don’t, then you lose. If you confess with any half-baked feelings, you’re gonna pay for it. And the same goes for Saitou-san. Being a boy or girl doesn’t matter. And once you’ve fallen in love, you’re ultimately in a weaker position.’

‘…’

‘The one who fell in love first has no special rights to anything. Even if the other person rejects you “just because,” you have no power to ask for a reason. No matter how cruel the rejection may have been, you have no right to complain. You were the one acting at your own convenience, calling the person over to rob them of their time to confess. That’s the position you put yourself in.’

Wataru didn’t seem particularly irritated, but Sasaki-kun must have felt a glimmer of anger in Wataru’s voice, as he just listened in silence. And I was the same. Since I was never in the position of the one confessing, I had no way of knowing how they must feel. Common sense, procedure, wager—all these words appearing from Wataru’s mouth, completely unrelated to any romantic feelings, is probably because Wataru has only been on the side of those confessing, acquiring these views through error and error. In other words, Saitou-san might be thinking the same thing, and she might develop the same mindset.

‘The reason I said to just go out with Saitou-san is that that’s how weak of a position she’s in, whereas you have an absolute advantage over her. You’ve got her in your grasp and do whatever you want.’

‘I would never—’

‘But even so, Saitou-san’s probably prepared for that.’

‘…Grk!’

Judging from Wataru’s tone, Saitou-san probably was aware that even a confession would not let her understand everything there is to know about Sasaki-kun. Maybe she was even thinking about the possibility of seeing a hidden side of Sasaki-kun during her confession. And knowing all of this, she then went to confess to him…?

In the beginning, Wataru spoke of common sense. An idea that didn’t incorporate romantic feelings. And yet at the same time, he saw himself in Saitou-san, showing strong determination despite the awareness that the act of a romantic confession was nothing but selfish behavior. If highs and lows from both sides of this coin existed in the idea of love and mixed together—then the idea that couples can’t be born from one-sided feelings is far too depressing.

‘And yet here you are. Saitou-san caught you off-guard so much, you asked to be given a bit of time to consider your answer.’

‘…’

‘Not to mention that you care about her enough to take her confession seriously to the point you’d ask other people for advice.’

What Sasaki-kun was doing right now is something I had never even thought of. Just as Wataru said, confessing your feelings to someone makes you a weak person. He’s repeated that cycle over and over, but during his very first time, he still must have felt like Saitou-san. And yet, I just pushed him away, saying I had no interest in that. Since I had the upper hand, I had all the right to reject him like that. But even so—

‘—Do you even understand how lucky she is? I’m so god damn jealous.’

An illusion of Wataru as he was back then mercilessly pointed a gun muzzle at me. An endless stream of pain assaulted my chest. I felt as if I moved my right hand away from my chest, I might actually bleed out.

“Um, Aichi…”

“Yeah…sorry.”

I tried to sit down on the ground when my leg bumped into Kei’s, who was still crawling along the wall. I dropped my back against the wall, embracing my knees in front of my chest. If I didn’t do that, I don’t think I’d be able to handle this.

‘Sajou, um—’

‘It’s fine. I’m just venting out my anger and jealousy. Towards Saitou-san, that is.’

‘…’

Of course, he isn’t resenting her because Sasaki-kun cares about her this much. If so, then it must be the fact that her confession achieved what would be ideal. Despite being in the weaker position, she managed to shake Sasaki-kun’s determination, succeeding in making him care about her. That fact is probably what bothered Wataru the most. Even if he had any right to reproach me for my answer, he would never do it even if it tore him apart.

‘If a single confession from her made you waver this much, then I’m sure you can fall in love with her for good. And that’s not gonna take too long after you start dating. You’re not swearing eternity to each other, either.

‘Sajou…’

‘So, go. Just go out with her.’

Since I was just looking at the ground, I had no way of telling what kind of expression Wataru had. However, since he spoke every single word with the same tone as before, I’m sure his expression hasn’t changed. He knew that the past was a completed chapter, and since he channeled this forth right this moment, nothing will change from here on out. And that’s all this was really about, it seems.