Chapter 94 - My Costar Blames Himself

Yao Shen goes very still, holding in a breath until his throat starts itching.

Xin Hulei's words aren't an admission of guilt, but they aren't the clean and easy 'no' Yao Shen was hoping for.

He lets out the breath suffocating him, and clears his throat to get rid of the itch. "What do you mean?"

"That I invited death upon them," he says. His eyes seem even darker in the half gloom of dawn.

"But you didn't kill them?" Yao Shen asks, trying to get a clearer picture of what must have happened.

"Is there a difference?" Xin Hulei asks, and the most harrowing thing for Yao Shen is that he seems to genuinely not know. "If someone's intentions are good, but the consequences disastrous, should they be praised for a beautiful bloodbath?"

Yao Shen hides his face on the pillow with a muffled groan. "That's...more moral quandary than I can stomach this early in the morning."

Xin Hulei let's out a wry chuckle, and Yao Shen feels better for that at least.

"I'll say this though," Yao Shen starts, returning Xin Hulei's earlier tenderness and combing his fingers through the messy strands of his hair, "I think if you didn't want them dead, and did nothing deliberate to bring about their death, then you're not at fault."

Xin Hulei falls silent, seemingly digesting Yao Shen's words.

"Did you want to kill them?" Yao Shen asks, rewording his earlier question.

"No," Xin Hulei replies without hesitation. "But perhaps they wouldn't have died if I hadn't tried to save them."

Yao Shen wraps one arm around his neck and brings their noses together. "If that made you guilty, then all the dramas on streaming would be about vicious mass murderers." 

Xin Hulei warps his arm around Yao Shen's waist and tangles their legs together. "Are you so sure they aren't?"

In lieu of an answer, Yao Shen kisses him to shut him up. 

He's relieved that even through such a shocking revelations, the mental image he has of Xin Hulei remains unspoiled.

It's hard to imagine that just a few short months ago he thought he was an arrogant asshole.

Well, he can still be an asshole sometimes, the only difference is that now Yao Shen finds it charming.

"What happened exactly?" Yao Shen asks, aware that Xin Hulei might choose not to answer.

One corner of Xin Hulei's lips rises in another of those self-deprecating smirks that makes Yao Shen's chest constrict painfully. "I trusted the wrong person."

A cold, freezing dread snakes down Yao Shen's spine. "Do you mean the guy who looks like me?"

Almost imperceptibly, Xin Hulei nods.

Yao Shen extricates himself from Xin Hulei's embrace and jumps out of bed. "I can't sleep anymore, might as well get up and shower."

It's ironic that Yao Shen was so determined to rid Xin Hulei of his guilt just minutes ago, and now he's suffocating on his own.

---

Showering doesn't help Yao Shen feel any better about his turbulent emotions, and he's distant with Xin Hulei all through breakfast.

He has no memory of his life as a ghost king, how is he supposed to know if he did something to hurt Yan Shuyi and Xie Huan?

It's not out of the realm of possibility that the other ghost kings could have set him to it.

Maybe as a direct attack against Xin Hulei, or just to get Frozen Peak's relic...either way, it's not out of the realm of possibility that he really is responsible for their deaths.

The thought makes the congee Xin Hulei cooked for them go sour in his stomach.

There's still the female Ghost King's cryptic demand, for him to mix a drink for Xin Hulei with that hairpin and ask him what happened the second time he visited the brothel.

Yao Shen is sure he won't like whatever answer he gets.

The fifteen days will be up eventually, and Yao Shen will have to give the Ghost Kings an answer.  He knows they already know what happened, so they just want to test him.

The bridge he was putting off crossing is coming up fast.

"Is everything alright, you have barely tasted your food," Xin Hulei asks.

Yao Shen has been looking pensively into his bowl of congee for the past minutes, and has yet to find any answers in it's white depths.

"I think I'm just tired, I didn't sleep much."

Xin Hulei nods. "No, you woke up at dawn with a burning question about my identity."

Yes, and he got more than he bargained for.

Yao Shen falls quiet again, he can't articulate everything going on through his mind, much less explain to Xin Hulei the source of his worries without revealing his true identity.

It has become apparent that whatever relationship he has with Xin Hulei now won't survive the reveal.

Yao Shen feels terrible for hiding it from him, but he doesn't see any other way around it. At least until he finds a way to handle the ghost kings for good.

---

With a voice as dry as cardboard, the System congratulates Yao Shen, as soon as he steps foot out of Xin Hulei's apartment.

[Congratulations for growing 85% closer to the Demon King. Eight reward unlocked: Invisibility II. Extended duration. Once again this System lost connection with Host for a period of several hours.]

Yao Shen ignores it.

Filming during that day is tense. Yao Shen feels as if he's mentally reworking a lot of the scenes in his mind.

He feels distanced from Yan Shuyi, in a way. It's as if, before, they had Xin Hulei in common, someone Yao Shen could use as a touchstone to ground his performance, but now, his entire understanding of Yan Shuyi has shifted.

Yao Shen doesn't know how to come back from it, and he keeps messing up his scenes.

"Yao laoshi, what's happening? Are you trying to work through an injury or illness?" Director Chen asks, making up excuses on Yao Shen's behalf.

The truth is of course much more concerning, but how can Yao Shen say something like: 'I feel like I don't know my character anymore.'

"Yes, he isn't feeling well," Xin Hulei says, before Yao Shen can make up some half-assed reason for his poor performance. "I think it's better if we let Yao laoshi rest."

Xin Hulei's calm demeanor evokes a concerned coworker, but the arm he wraps around Yao Shen's shoulder raises a few eyebrows.

Director Chen has barely agreed to cut the afternoon shoot short before Xin Hulei is pulling Yao Shen out of the set, and towards the trailer park.

"You've lost your grasp on Yan Shuyi," Xin Hulei says, looking down at Yao Shen as they walk.

It's not a question, and Yao Shen feels a little humiliated that he's so transparent.

He should be a better actor than this. He should know how to handle himself and get his queues without needing an entire personality for his character made up in his mind.

There are plenty of great actors who couldn't describe their most famous roles' personalities to save their lives.

"It's my fault, so I'll help you," Xin Hulei says, directing Yao Shen towards a trailer a few rows away from his own.

The inside of Xin Hulei's trailer is no different from Yao Shen's own; comfortable, but not big or lavish. It speaks of how little Xin Hulei cares about luxury, because top billed talent like him could request a yacht and the production team would scramble to get it.

He takes a seat on the narrow sofa under the window and pats the seat next to him.

Yao Shen crumples down the upholstery like a doll whose strings have been cut.

Xin Hulei smiles faintly at his dramatic groan. "I can tell you everything you want about Yan Shuyi, if it will help you visualize him better."

That's probably what Yao Shen needs, but it will only make him feel worse.

The truth is that his mental image of Yan Shuyi growing blurry is only half of his problems -- the much more concerning aspect is handling everything he doesn't know.

It feels like such an impossible coincidence that he would end up in this situation, playing the role of Yan Shuyi. 

Except, he reminds himself, it's a not a coincidence, he has been put here deliberately, like a go piece on a board.

Either the Ghost Kings or some unknown third party have orchestrated everything to lead him right to this point.

How can someone handle the realization that their life is not their own?

If anything, Yao Shen is having a delayed reaction to it.

Xin Hulei's dark eyes take in the distress written over Yao Shen's face. "Is there something else going on?"

Yao Shen wants badly to tell him everything, like a dam bursting open and letting out a torrent of water, as cleansing as it is destructive.

It's the destruction that holds him back in the end. Yao Shen doesn't want to be hated by Xin Hulei, as ironic as it is, considering all the time he spent hating him.

On the other hand, that golden hairpin and whatever nefarious methods it has of divulging the truth keeps flashing in his mind. 

He knows he won't be able to do that to Xin Hulei, when the ghost kings' deadline is up.

So he compromises. "I'll tell you what I owe that ghost, if you tell me exactly what happened when you trusted the wrong person."