Chapter 175 - Communication

Ford.

We sit in the silence of each other. There was an apology but he is as nervous as I am. I want to make amends. I want to move on past this hatred I have for him. Knowing that things might now have been the way I remember them just tells me that all along, I might have been the problem. The reason why our relationship has been so rocky.

It is all your fault. 

The demons in my head are loud. They want to control me, make me think about things the way I always have. I am trying to heal from all this but I don't know how to. I don't know how to come out stronger from this. I am at the stage in my life where I don't even know who I am. I have been living a lie all this while. I tried to convince Lance that he was a monster and it worked. He hates my father even a lot worse than I do and I don't know how I can convince him otherwise.

"You're going to be okay,'' he mutters, finally.

I look at him. His eyes are red. I feel like I have taken sleep out of his agenda. They have all been worried about me. Now I know and I hate myself for being the cause of this.

"I don't know,'' I confess.

I still don't know how to fight the demons inside me. I don't know how to come out of this stronger but I see the progress. This is the first time we are having a real conversation. I want to be honest with him. I want to tell him everything that I think happened. I don't know how he will take it and he might end up hating me but I have to be honest for the first time in my life.

"I am gay dad,'' I say those words out loud. I have never said them out loud. I have been so ashamed to be a disappointment. I didn't want to be who I really am and I created a world that didn't exist. I made being gay the biggest problem of my life, so that I wouldn't have to deal with the truth. I can see things now, for what they are.

At least, as much as I think. I still don't know what is the truth and what is a lie but I want to. Does he care about me?

Will he forgive me after he finds out that I killed mom?

I want to talk about all these things with him. I want to see if everything I concocted wasn't real. This is the best time to do this and there is no going back.

"I don't have a problem with it son, I have never cared about that." He pauses and then takes a deep breath, I sense that he is looking for the right words to make this all better "I love you.''

He loves me.

He is not out to get me.

All this while, I thought coming out of the closet will be the death of me. I thought he would try to silence me. Make me someone I wasn't but now he is telling me that he loves me and he doesn't care.

I still don't know what to believe.

"I love Lance,'' I breathe out with so much hesitation.

He smiles faintly "I know."

I close my eyes because he should tell me that we shouldn't be together. The day his mother found out, she wasn't happy and he wasn't either. That was the day they locked me up. Apparently, or so it seems, it was all in my mind. I need to talk to Dr Mathew about it. I need to figure out if it was actually in my head or things happened the way I remembered. All the dreams I have been having about incidences are starting to make me confused.

"I want to be with him. Can I be with him?''

He sighs and I see the difficulty in his eyes. He doesn't have all the right words to say. Right now, we are at a place in our relationship that is rocky. He sees hope and he doesn't want to ruin it "You need to take your of yourself first. I want you to focus on getting better first.'' He says finally.

That is something that I know. I know that I am not in the right frame of mind for a relationship. I know that I need to work on myself. I still carry that empty feeling inside me. I still want to let go of everything. I don't have any idea of how I will get better. I have had these demons for a long time now that they all seem like a part of me.

I just know that I don't want to do all this without him.

If he will still have me. I want to be by his side. I want to see him every day. I want to go through the whole process. I want to love him; I know it is all too much to ask. After everything but I just want him and that might make me selfish and I don't mind being selfish. As long as I can have him.

"Okay,'' I manage, even though that is not what I want to say. I want to talk about mom. For the first time in all my life. I am willing to relive that night. I want to know what happened. Finding out that she was sick, just makes me relate more to her. I suddenly understand why her moods would just switch up. The fact that the same thing happens to me makes me understand her—understand what he had to go through.

The misunderstanding of it all.

"I am sorry for accusing you,'' I decide that the best way to redeem the whole situation is to apologize. I have been thinking the worst of him.

The kind of monster I imagined him to be is not who he really is and I need to make up for all my negative thoughts.

"It's not your fault, I should have been direct with you. I shouldn't have kept it all from you.''

He knows what I am apologizing for, which means that he must know what I thought all those years ago. I feel like shit even thinking about it.

"Your mother didn't want to be sick, she didn't want you to remember her at her worst. I want you to remember her as the amazing woman that you do. Don't think about all the, what-ifs and focus on the time you shared with her. Can you do that?''

I nod my head but at the same time, the tears start to fall. I am at my most vulnerable stage. This usually happens after a meltdown. The last time this happened, he wasn't here. I was in the hospital alone. I know for a fact that he hasn't been the best father. He avoided me and now I know the reasons why. He was scared of me. Terrified to have a relationship with me because he felt guilty, even though he didn't do anything. I probably remind him of her. So that could be another factor.

Unlike the last time, he is here. He is trying and I feel gratitude.

He stands up from the chair and walks even closer to me. I am still on the bed but I want his comfort and it seems like he is ready to give me.

I have never hugged him before. There has always been a wall. Now I can hear the cracks, I just need to make the next move. Slowly, I get up from the bed, wiping the tears off my face. The more I wipe, the more it falls. Feels like I suddenly have a never-ending supply of water in my eyes.

"I am sorry dad,'' I cry as I move closer to him. He stretches his hands out and the moment that I thought would be awkward, is far from it. I wrap my arms around him, not even afraid that at this moment, I am messing up his suit. He welcomes me into his arms and I release a long breath, I didn't know I had been holding that breath. It feels like that lump has been in my throat all my life. I have been stuck in a world that made me resent him. A man that suddenly seems so harmless to me. I feel his love as he holds me tighter.

I feel things I haven't felt in a long time.

He leaves me with the promise of coming tomorrow and I watch him as he walks out. I didn't get all the answers that I needed and it will take a while for us to get to the place that I want us to be but I know that we will.

I believe it more than I ever have.

The door opens again and this time, the man that has my heart walks in.