Chapter 222 - Running Together

Jack

"You need to just stop overthinking everything in your relationship,'' Lance tells me with a serious expression on his face. 

After our conversation that night, we haven't really talked about any of the problems. It is like at the end of the day, we just brushed it all under the carpet. I am not in denial but I just don't know how to fix things between us.

"You know what my greatest fear is right now?" I ask him. He shakes his head "Losing him is my greatest fear.'' I add sadly because every that thought is at the back of my mind with everything I do. 

I don't want to get a job because I don't want a repeat of what happened the last time. I don't want to do anything to upset him. I just want to be on good terms with him all the time and that is not possible because being myself is becoming harder as each day passes by. 

"Do you think he doesn't have that fear too?'' 

I shrug because I don't even know. It was so easy for him to give me the ultimatum the last time. It was so easy to threaten to walk away from me, so I don't know anything anymore. 

I just don't know what to do anymore Lance,'' I say and he sighs. ''I just want things to go back to how they were before,'' I added. 

"Well, you need to tell him, Jack. You're not in this alone. You need to tell him what you're feeling. I know it's hard but he's also feeling the same way. You both have to compromise because you two are the ones who caused this in the first place.''

He is right. 

I can't blame Trick alone for everything that has happened. I have a part in all of this with my own actions and decisions. 

"I'm scared Lance,'' I tell him. "I'm scared of losing him.'' 

He reaches for me and rests his hand on my shoulder "You guys are stronger than you think. You will get through this." His words are assuring but I don't know if he is right this time. Lance leaves me and I wait for Trick to come home because I know that I can't fix this overnight but I want to try. 

Everything is just so messed up. I feel like I am drowning in my own sea of confusion. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want everything to go back to normal but I don't even know what normal is any more.

When Trick comes home, he walks into the bedroom and I am still just sitting on the bed. I don't know what to say or what to do anymore.

I get off the bed and walk towards him. I touch his arm and he stops walking. I look at him and the expression on his face is blank.

I feel like I have to start this conversation. I need to tell him how I feel.

"I"

He cuts me off before I can say anything. "I don't want to talk about this anymore," he says and turns around to walk out of the room.

"Trick, please just listen to me," I say and grab his arm to stop him from leaving.

"No Jack. I told you I don't want to talk about this anymore. I don't want to talk about why you have been acting this way. I just want to be happy because I have been so miserable the last few days. You know I love you, but I can't go on like this."

"Then why don't we fix this?" I ask him.

"How can we fix something if you're not willing to tell me what the problem is?" he says. "I am willing to talk about it. I am willing to talk about everything. It is just that I am scared of losing you." I tell him.

"I don't want to lose you either but I feel like you're drifting away from me and you are shutting me out," he says. I look at him and I can see the pain in his eyes. "I am just scared of losing you. I don't want to get a job because I don't want a repeat of what happened the last time. I don't want to do anything to upset you. I just want to be good terms with you all the time and now I know that is not possible.''

"Why?'' he asks me out of the blue with his eyes fixed on mine. 

I furrow my brows in confusion "Why what?'' 

"Why do you think that there will be a repeat if you get another job?'' 

He asks me.

"Because the last time I got a job, you left, remember?" I speak.

"Yeah, I do remember. But I didn't leave because you got a job. I left because you didn't talk to me. I left because you weren't being honest. I left because you lied to me.'' 

He said he didn't want to talk anymore but he is talking now. This is progress. 

"I didn't mean to lie to you. I just thought that it would make it easier for us to get over that kiss. You were not happy about it and I wanted to make you feel better but now I see that it was wrong and you have to trust me that I wouldn't do anything to hurt you.''

I say.

He looks at me and I can see that he is thinking. "I know you wouldn't."

I smile at him. 

"But you have to give me a chance to be me.''

He sighs "I have never wanted anyone but you. I don't want you to stop being you." 

"Can we just start again; I mean it this time.'' 

He runs his hands through his hair and I look at him, like really look at him. His hair is longer than it has ever been and I didn't even notice. I have been too in my head to know that something has been eating him up all this while. 

I move closer to him and run my fingers through his hair "I am sorry,'' I tell him honestly. 

He grabs my hand midair and places it to his lips gently, laying soft kisses on my knuckles. 

"Can we go for a run?'' he asks me after a couple of seconds of silence. 

I look at him and there is a smile on my face. 

"I'd like that.''