182 I AM NOT SURE

I did not expect that he will come to my room after what he did, 

He was standing there and looking at me, probably waiting for my reaction, and of course, I was too shocked when I saw him, for once I thought I am dreaming, but no, he was here, 

I was feeling like I was seeing him after so long like he was standing so close, my heart started beating like a drum, I know I was saying that I do not want to face him, but now when he is here, my stomach is feeling thousands of butterflies or whatnot, 

"Ayan", I said and he came closer, I was happy to see him, but I can not show this right, so I started playing hard, 

"What are you doing here at this time, leave before Suhani comes", I said in a hard tone, I know I was being harsh, but he hurt me a lot already, then why should I care, and he came closer, 

"Jhummi, I want to talk", he said, he was stammering, which is unusual in his behaviour, he never talks like that, is that mean he is affected, 

"So finally you think that you should stop ignore me and you should talk", I said in a taunting tone, I know I never behaved like this before, but it is happening because of him, I cried a lot only because of him, 

"I know I hurt you but I did not intend to do that", he said and I looked at him, I could not believe he was the same Ayan I was falling for, I mean I could see he was making stupid excuses or I do not know what, 

I did not realise when did I started crying while arguing with him, I was trying hard to be strong in front of him, even I was trying to maintain my natural face, but still, I ended up crying, and tears were rolling down to my cheeks, 

I do not know why but I thought my tears were making him sad as somehow I could see the sadness in his eyes, 

He came closer and wiped my face, as his fingers touched my skin, I felt something in my stomach, I missed his touch so much, 

I said everything to him, like everything which was hurting me, and he was sorry for everything he did, I felt happy, I felt so happy, 

"I know I hurt you a lot, but now I will never hurt you ever", he said and I smiled, I smiled because this is what I wanted to listen from him, 

I was about to speak when my phone started ringing, and it was from Abhay, and I was about to pick when he snatched it from my hand and cut his call, and throw my phone on the bed, 

I just do not know what the hell is wrong with him, why he does not like Abhay, Abhay is such a sweet guy, 

"What the hell you think you are doing Ayan", I said and he was looking so angry, why he has a problem with Abhay, 

Our fight gets a little intimate as he kissed me, I know I was again feeling like I want to cross my limit with him, and it was feeling so right with him, 

I know I was smiling but still, my stupid tears rolled down to my cheeks and then he wiped my tears again, I took a deep breath and got a little relax, 

Then I got up from the bed and wiped my face so I do not cry again, I know I am stupid, but this is time, I do not want to get hurt again, so I decided to tell him what I feel for him, 

I went closer to him and then I sat on my knees in front of him, he was looking confused, I know he was, probably he could not understand what I was doing, it was so quick,

And I was looking straight in his eyes, then I started speaking, he was looking at me with astonishing eyes, 

"Ayan, you know very well that I never had friends and you are the first guy I have been, and you are the first guy with whom I crossed my limit, I like you so much Ayan Singh", I said, and he was looking at me with surprising face, maybe he never expected this from me, 

I opened my heart in front of him, I just do not know from where I got that courage, I mean I never expected that I could ever express my feeling to him, but I did, but I do not know why it was not feeling right, he was still looking confuse or something, he was not looking happy, 

But I was too excited about his reaction, as I said everything to him, why he is not reacting, I thought he would be so happy, 

I slowly made my way to him and pressed my lips on his, it felt so good, but he was not responding, he is not happy, something is wrong with him, now I am fucking sure that he is not happy when I did not get his respond I pulled myself back, 

He was not even looking at me, he was staring at the floor, I do not know why I was not getting good vibes, my heart was beating so fast, I was feeling restlessness, I was feeling scared, 

I cupped my face with my hands and he looked at me, his was trying to steal glances, I collected my courage to speak, I gulped and sighed, 

"Ayan", I said and he looked into my eyes,

is something wrong", I asked but he did not reply at all, 

"Ayan, did I said something wrong", I asked again, but he was still standing quite, I was feeling like my body was becoming heavy, 

"Ayan, your silence is scaring me, will you please say something", I said with so much difficulty, and then he removed my hands from his face and hold it, he took a deep breath and cupped my face, 

"Look Jhummi, I just do not know what to say, I mean, I just, I loved the time we spent and I feel so good with you but I am not sure about you, I mean Jhummi, I am sorry, I do not want to hurt you, but I am confused, I think you are rushing, I mean Jhummi we know each other from just a few months and", he was saying something but I just pulled myself back, 

After spending this much time with me, after all, that kisses, after making me habitual, he is saying that he is not sure about me, is he kidding me, or maybe he is kidding, he is probably thinking that I would laugh, right, 

I started laughing, I laugh so hard as he was glaring at me with disbelief, 

"You are kidding, right Ayan, I know you are kidding me, now stop doing this Ayan please, I did not like this joke", I said but he becomes still, 

"Jhummi, look, I know what I am saying is sounds strange, but trust me what I said just now is not a joke, I feel that way, I am sorry", he said, and a tear rolled down to my cheek which I was trying to hold from so long, 

"Jhummi", he was saying something but I showed him my palm,

"Suhani could come anytime soon, you should leave", I said and she turned my face to another side, 

"Jhummi, listen to me first, let me finish", he said but I did not turn my head, I promised myself that I will not cry, and of course I just can not show him my crying face again, he said he is not sure about me, cool, 

"Good night Ayan", I said and went to my bed and switched off the lights and lie down under my duvet, hiding my face, 

He was still standing here, I was just waiting for him to leave, I put my hands on my mouth, I do not want him to hear what he did is affecting me, of course, it is not his mistake, 

I was mistaken from the beginning, did he ever mentioned that he loves me, yes, he made me feel special so many time, but not a single time he said that he loves me, 

My tears were not stopping, they were falling like a Nigeria fall, and when he noticed that I am not gonna speak anything, he left, I heard the sound of the door opens and then close, 

I removed the quilt and more tears rolled down to my cheeks,