Chapter 69 - The Toughest Decision

Zeng came home tired from his shift. He had been staying at the hospital for two nights and had to work extra hours today. The hospital was running low on staff and to compensate for that, Zeng had volunteered to work. It took his mind off things and right now he wanted his mind to be as busy as it could get so that it wouldn't have any time to think.

Though he wouldn't admit it, this had put a considerable strain on his body. Moreover, meeting Yul led him to more exhaustion.

The house was empty when he entered, dead silence. He was by himself in this huge apartment. The place where he should be finding peace, where he could be relaxed and comfortable was now nothing more than a haunted dream. Darkness, cold and loneliness at every corner he turned.

He was too exhausted to prepare a meal but it was one of his rules to never sleep on an empty stomach. He had to feed himself. He went to the kitchen to get a quick bite. He opened the fridge to scan the ingredients. His eyes fell on a jar of cookies. The cookies he had baked for Yul remained untouched.

Zeng was never a fan of sweet things but his body moved on his own to grab the jar. He removed two pieces from it. That was his dinner tonight. He was not much hungry anyway. His alarmingly decreasing weight should have been a sign but Zeng was too busy worrying about somebody else.

He ate his dinner alone, sitting at the dining table with nobody to accompany him. He should have gotten used to it but he never did. He had mostly had his meals alone before he met Yul so this shouldn't be bothering him. But in the span of five years, he had shared many meals with that charming lover of his, looking at his smile as he ate, chatting away about his day, the pure passion he had as he talked about his job.

The shared meals got lesser as time went by. The bright smiles became grim. Though he could still feel Yul's love in his touch or whenever he looked at him, that too got rarer to witness.

Whenever he was home, Yul wasn't and vice versa. They hardly saw each other's faces these days. And if ever they had a free day together, Yul would receive a call from his police station on new information about some case and he would leave. He would apologize and say that he would make up for it sometime later. Zeng would smile knowing that that sometime would never come. They were promises that got fulfilled.

The doctor sighed, finishing the two cookies and leaving for bed. He felt hollow inside as he walked to the bedroom.

He looked at the empty bed. It had been like this since he could remember. Yul was out on duty most of the nights since it was the time criminal activities were heightened.

Occasionally, Yul would come back home in the middle of the night. Making as little noise as possible, he would crawl up in bed and would hold Zeng in his arms. The doctor had memorised his touch and so, without a doubt, would wrap his hands over his, knowing it was him even in his sleep.

Now the bed laid empty like most of the night. The only difference was that Yul was not on a mission this time.

Zeng sat on the edge of the bed. His eyes swept over the other side. His hand caressed the sheets on Yul's side of the bed. He didn't feel the warmth he craved for.

Even when their exhausted naked bodies stayed pressed in ecstasy, Zeng would shiver at how Yul's marred skin felt under his fingers. He would trace the scars when they were done and Yul had gone to sleep. How he wished he could erase them all!

He wanted the scars gone not because they were unsightly but because they were a reminder to him that he was so close to losing Yul at times. The scars not only saddened him but frightened him.

He couldn't do anything, they reminded him every time he saw them. Yul would just brush it off. To him, they didn't mean anything. However, it made Zeng furious to see this attitude of his. It felt as if Yul did not care about himself at all. But Zeng did and he didn't want anything to happen to him.

Zeng laid alone on the bed, exhausted but wide awake, the sheets around him. Yul's fragrance was losing from them. He wanted to trap it and keep it close to him but it lingered far away, drifting to somewhere he could never reach.

It was slipping away . . . everything was slipping away.

What did he even have anymore?

What was he left with?

Love? The love that pained him whenever he looked at Yul's condition, the love that made him live in fear. He didn't want this! He didn't want to live this way!

Was he being too selfish? Was it his greed talking? First William and now Yul. It was his selfish desire that made him lose William, it was the same selfishness that was making him lose Yul.

He was in the wrong. He was the problem. Why did he make their lives miserable by existing? Everywhere he went, people got hurt. His very own people, the people he loved with his whole heart. The hands of a healer treated thousands of patients, saved thousands of lives but couldn't soothe his beloved people's sufferings.

Should he just fade away? He thought.

He was hurting so much on the inside. Nobody saw and he wouldn't tell anyone. He already had caused enough problems as it is. He didn't want to trouble others. He didn't want to hurt others but he also didn't want himself to get hurt.

That selfish part of him still begged to be free from this place, to not hurt himself anymore and it was time Zeng listened to it.

He had come to a decision; one that would mend himself back but before that, it was going to break him all over again.