CH 48.1

Chapter 48 Part 1

That night, the youth had shut himself in the bathroom after Zhang Man had gone to sleep.

He sat on the bathroom floor all night.

There was no heating in the bathroom, and he had opened the window. The chilly wind and the cold floor on that winter night kept him awake.

——It turned out that he really was a devil.

The silent darkness encroached him.

Was it true that it was better for people like him to not live in this world?

He suddenly understood how his father felt.

Since it was so painful to live, and he couldn’t love the person he loved when he even wanted to hurt her, wouldn’t it be better not to live?

The next day before dawn, he quietly walked into the room and laid down beside her. The trap began at this moment.

He ridiculed himself a bit.

A hunter frequently sets up a trap to slowly lure the prey in, and capture it at the last second. Meanwhile, he was trying his hardest to let his prey go.

If he showed signs of a meltdown or depression, maybe Man Man would always be with him.

That way, how could he have the opportunity and courage to leave her?

…

The snow had already stopped on the way to the hospital. The weather was clear for a long time.

But, he could not feel the warmth at all. The skies seemed to have no color and were gray.

In fact, he was mourning his impending death, but he still held on and pretended to be himself.

During the psychological exam and each time he had finished a sentence, he carefully observed the subtle changes of the doctor’s expression to adjust the tone and topic of his next sentence.

This was very difficult.

The female doctor had studied psychiatry for many years and had a lot of clinical experience. She did not look happy or angry, and she had very skilled eyes. He almost revealed his weakness several times.

First, he openly admitted his meltdown and panic. Then, he said that he was much calmer than before after the doctor’s advice.

It seemed like he had spent a lot of time thinking and had finally convinced himself to cooperate positively with the treatment and live an active life—like he was a patient who had regained his confidence in life after suffering a huge blow.

Sure enough, Man Man’s eyes widened after he came out of the doctor’s office.

He took her to the most expensive restaurant in N city, but he didn’t seem to be able to taste anything.

Man Man said that the pork chop tasted a little spicy.

But when he ate it, it tasted like wax.

He took her up the beachrocks.

For a moment, when he looked at the enormous ocean, he felt an impulse to jump.

He had nothing, he could not control himself. Moreover, he was about to lose her.

Will it be less painful to jump?

At the next second, he thought, no, I can’t scare her.

After sending her home, he returned to his study and began to edit the email.

He could not leave without saying something.

Silently disappearing would make her worry about him for the rest of her life.

It took the youth the entire night to edit the email.

He was thinking about how to persuade her to leave him. His Man Man was so kind, honest, and clever. What if she did not leave him no matter how much he cursed or coaxed her?

What kind of words could hurt a person the most?

It was definitely not through hysterical mocking, nor was it through piling on malicious words without any justification. The most hurtful way was always through cold indifference with selfishness and neglect.

When did a person feel heartbreak?

When the other person calmly analyzed every possibility, every reason, but none of them were because of you.

You were in his heart, but you could never be close to him.

The cursor flickered constantly. Then, the youth was typing on the keyboard. Every time he typed, it was like a slash was made to his heart.

“Man Man, I may leave you for a while…”

Delete.

“Man Man, let’s take a break for a while…”

Continues to delete.

“Man Man, let’s… break up.”

—At that moment, all the oxygen on the planet that allowed him to breathe was suddenly pulled out of him. Why else could he not breathe and was suffocating?.

The youth raised his hand and pressed it at his heart. Fortunately, it was still beating.

His lips curved into a smile.

He was just going to leave her. He was not breaking up with her. What else could he do?

Why was it that at this moment he still had a chance to live?

Then, he calmed down and decided to think of three proper reasons.

Three reasons why he left her after “carefullying thinking through it”.

En, he might not be in the right mindset to take care of his condition and her at the same time.

—Because when he saw her, he didn’t want to think about anything. He would become more and more selfish and terrible. He wouldn’t care about if he was hurting her or not, he would want to have her close and keep her next to him greedily.

He didn’t want to care that much, and didn’t want to think about the future. He only knew that he could be saved by being together with her, even if he might drag her into the abyss with him.

There was more.

By being with her, he deviated from his life’s original path and did many things that he would not have ever done.

The youth’s heart at this moment was in extreme pain.