CH 9.5

The phone in my pocket buzzed. As I didn’t answer it, he squinted his eyes and tapped on the table with his finger. Lines formed on his forehead as the ringtone got longer. I took out the phone and accepted the call.

—What are you doing?

“I’m just sitting.”

Yeon Woojeong, who opened his mouth as if he was about to say something, flinched, then turned his head. He blinked his eyes absent-mindedly as he found me and stood up. Soon, his face slowly bloomed, and was filled with a smile. I felt like I was stabbed with a sword defenselessly. I certainly thought I would get angry if he smiled nonchalantly…

I ended the call and shoved back my phone. Yeon Woojeong walked inside and closed the door.

“How did you get it?”

“With that person.”

“Have you eaten?”

“Yes. No.”

“You have or you haven’t?”

I thought I could eat with him if I said no, but come to think of it, I heard he just had dinner. I have. After I corrected my answer, Yeon Woojeong looked at his watch and wrinkled his eyes.

“What do we do? I want to ask you to say, but soon people will gather here.”

“… I’m planning to go, anyway.”

Yeon Woojeong stared at me at the blunt answer and then beckoned with his head.

“I’ll take you home.”

I was disappointed that I had to go as soon as I came, but I didn’t make it obvious. I calmly stood up and followed Yeon Woojeong.

When we got in the car, a strange silence surrounded us. It also felt like I was the only one being conscious when Yeon Woojeong didn’t even care. I got the urge to disturb him for no reason inside the quiet car.

“I thought you won’t go home again today.”

“I’m indeed busy. But today I have to go home.”

“I mean. You don’t want to see me.”

I felt a gaze, but I didn’t look back at Yeon Woojeong. Was it because the seat was firm? I felt strange.

“Why do I don’t want to see you?”

“Because someone like me said I will kill someone important to you.”

I knew it was better to let it pass as if it never happened, but I wanted to go to the end. Even though I felt relieved to see him happy to see me, I felt uneasy because of the premonition of brushing aside this kind of repeat mark again.

It might be easier to say I will be good and talk kindly, so don’t throw me and keep me. However, to me, it was more comfortable to know how far I could talk badly for him to not throw me out.

Yeon Woojeong didn’t give any answer. I felt sad because of his silence.

The car stopped following the traffic light. A somehow familiar location. I realized it was the location where I first met Yeon Woojeong. I looked outside, captivated by a strange feeling, and I saw the advertisement board in the bus stop. I called Yeon Woojeong without knowing it.

“Mr. Yeon.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you think the same?”

There was a big shadow and a small shadow drawn on the white background. The big shadow raised its hand to hit, and the small shadow crouched. However, looking at the picture as a whole, the white background seemed to hit the big shadow.

[It will definitely go back.]

I wonder if other people don’t think about it at all. Am I the only one who imagines killing someone when I get angry? If I’m the only one who does that, it indeed is strange. Therefore, it might be the reason it shouldn’t be said out loud. It shouldn’t get found out either.

Was I born like that? Or was that how I grew up? Can I fix my thoughts? Can I block my imagination and dream?

Yeon Woojeong smirked. I came out of my thoughts at that sound and turned my head.

“It is simple and convenient to say that violence is passed down. It’s the victims who are censoring themselves.”

“…”

“Why do you think we shouldn’t kill people?”

It was the homework Yeon Woojeong gave me yesterday. However, I didn’t think about it seriously. We shouldn’t kill people. It’s obvious.

“Because we’ll get jailed.”

“Wrong. This is why you need me.”

I furrowed my forehead at the unexpected reply. What kind of strange words he’s going to use to persuade me this time? 

“If you get arrested just like what you said, then what about me? Should I wait while sucking my fingers?”

It was something I had never thought of. Yeon Woojeong who cares about my absence. He who waits for me, who left. Will I be in his future? I never thought about the distant future. 

“Those were just words. I didn’t mean to do it for real.”

“I know. But still, you have to pull the brake sometimes.”

“So that’s why you got angry?”

“I have to be strict when it’s the time.”

He wasn’t like that because of that woman? That’s a lie. I got annoyed suddenly.

“Don’t be strict with me.”

The light changed, but Yeon Woojeong didn’t immediately start the car. He stared at me intently and then laughed. He reached out his hand, stroking my cheek, then withdrew it.

“I only want to be loved, so what can I do?”

Can Yeon Woojeong smile like that even if he knows I killed him in my dream? Will he only be strict with me at that time? I’m not kind or lovely. Suddenly, I wanted to test it. It was a very big venture.

“Mr. Yeon, sometimes… I dream of killing people.”

Yeon Woojeong stared at me with an unreadable face at the confession that was not even half revealed. He then said in a flat voice.

“Everyone dreams. Everyone thinks. What’s important is to not act on it.”

“…”

“That’s why we have to control it—through a very long time. It’s hard at first. Look at me. Throwing a cup because I can’t control my temper even though I’m over 30.”

Yeon Woojeong let out a vain laugh. Despite being honest like that, he didn’t look bad.

I see. I’m not the only one strange. It was comforting, but I wondered if he would think the same even if he knew that the target was him. But I couldn’t talk about it.

The car started again. We left the location we first met. I saw the receding view through the mirror. The questions wandering in my head, which I thought had disappeared, came back to mind.

Would Yeon Woojeong be like this even if the one he picked up wasn’t me? Then would I be okay even if the one who picked me wasn’t Yeon Woojeong? I wonder if Yeon Woojeong also got angry at that woman. Which one is more special?

We got close to the officetel. We arrived at the parking lot, and the engine was off, but Yeon Woojeong didn’t tell me to get off. The light went out, and the surrounding became dark.

What will I do after hearing the answer? What if everything wasn’t my delusion? Then what should I do?

He had his eyes fixed on the empty facade. I looked at his side profile and then parted my lips.

“Mr. Yeon.”

“Hm.”

“Did you like that woman?”

Yeon Woojeong looked back at me. He scanned my face thoroughly with his eyes. Soon, the corner of his lips faintly rose.

“I admired her.”

He didn’t deny the question of whether he liked her. He was talking about the past, but I, the listener, was in the present. I clenched my fist. I felt thirsty. I tried to control the thought and imagination that tried to run as they liked.

Suddenly, fingers penetrated my fist. Yeon Woojeong forcefully grabbed each of my fingers and opened them all. He looked down at my palm. There were deep marks of nails in my palm.

I tried to force my hand out, but he held it strongly. His gaze returned to me and was obstinate. He looked up at me and brought my hand to his lips. When his lips touched my palm, my fingertips flinched because it was ticklish.

“Kim Jiho.”

“…”

“All my firsts can’t be you.”

It was something I knew. I knew it very well that it pricked my bone. However, it wasn’t only because of that. I always felt lacking.

His lips left, and he grabbed my hand.

“But when it became like this after I took you in… I was prepared for the end in my own way.”

“What end?”

“No matter how your feelings change, no matter what my feelings become, it’s still the time… we will be together.”

There was strength in the low voice. That strength felt like touching my boiling heart.

Can I be the last of Yeon Woojeong?